


My Therapy

by elimak



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-03-28
Packaged: 2017-11-29 23:18:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 46,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/692674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elimak/pseuds/elimak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frerard, office AU. rated M for a reason. reviews are always welcome</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Gerard walks into the unfamiliar building immediately feeling warm compared with the chilly autumn breeze outside and loosens the scarf around his neck. Though his muscles refuse to relax and stay stiff but he isn't nervous. No of course not. There's nothing scary or intimidating about a new place, new people, and new job that his little brother got him or the fact the Gerard spent the last few months in his basement, not once seeing the daylight. Really, he doesn't need this job he didn't see why Mikey put up such a big fuss about it anyway. So what if his paintings don't sell like they did before and he wasn't drinking that much, he was going to get out of it… eventually.

Once he's finished having a debate with himself whether to run out now and claim he forgot or just get the fuck over it and stay he decides to at least give it a chance and then choose if he wants to come back or not (though he already knew the answer). He promised his brother he'll try and he's the only person he doesn't want to let down. He could have stayed home, said he overslept or forgot and stayed where he's cozy and warm. Gerard honestly didn't know what kind of gods gave him the will power to get out of bed and make himself look presentable for today.

The first impression of the giant company building was that it's unbelievably huge. A spacious fancy lobby that looked like it belonged to a hotel with neat white floor tiles where you can see your reflection on, two corridors on each side with about a dozen doors, three elevators seen at the back of the room and a flower pot on every corner possible.

There are a lot of people passing by all of them looking like those I'm-too-busy-to-even-take-a-piss sort of people. It's too loud, too much commotion going on especially this early in the morning for Gerard while he can feel the aftermaths of yesterday in his head. He takes a deep steadying breath and takes a few firm steps forward, towards his new workplace when he freezes. It dawns on him that he has no idea where to go, the building is at least 20 stories high and this isn't a shopping mall so there were no directories to the art department. Gerard honestly didn't know what he expected when he came here, that someone would be waiting for him? Or that he would somehow know where to go? He looks around the people once more feeling like a stupid child who's lost. So he decides just to go through with it and ask someone. He spots a guy who looks just as miserable and tired as he does leaning on the wall staring with an empty expression towards the no smoking sign on the opposite wall. Plus he happens to be standing right next to the coffee machine, which is just very convenient for Gerard.

He tries to act casual like he hasn't been planning this out in his head for the last 5 minutes but his hands start to shake, he drops his coins and then accidentally hits his foot against the machine. Thankfully the guy doesn't seem to notice that. This was not how the day was supposed to start. He only looks over, breaking his trans when Gerard starts to quietly whine and curse the damn thing. He was rather short Gerard noticed and he wasn't one of the tall ones himself so that really says something. With the worn out jeans, white shirt, a slightly lose tie and messy black hair he didn't look like he belonged in a place like this. They make brief eye contact

'Hey, um, do you know where the art department is in this place?' Gerard asks while putting the coins in the machine. He didn't stutter, jumble the words or drop the coins again so he counts it as a win.

'Uh, yeah, go to the 3rd floor and take a left. You're new here?' the shorter one asks interested like he really noticed Gerard only now and eyes him carefully.

Gerard drops his eyes to the ground 'yeah, this is sort of my first day here. Should have really asked my brother where my new workplace would be beforehand or called him but he's away so…' okay stop. Stop. You said enough. No need to spill your life story to some stranger. He lets out a nervous giggle before he can stop himself and wants to run back to his basement and cozy bed so bad his leg already takes a step back, but he just busies himself by putting the coins in and selecting the strongest coffee.

Though the guy just smiles brightly through his sleepy eyes

'Well congratulations on selling your soul to one of the most evil companies, you're going to love it here. Oh, I'm Frank by the way' the other man-Frank says extending his hand all the while smiling. Gerard takes it awkwardly 'I'm Gerard. Gerard Way.' He says shaking Frank's hand a bit too long than necessary and then takes the cup of coffee.

'Oh right! Mikey told me you're going to start working here soon. You should come by to the 5th floor during lunch or something and I'll introduce you to the awesomest people here' said Frank. Wow, Gerard's been in here for what 10min. and he's already making friends? How is that possible? He couldn't find a single friend in his first year of high school and now he's being invited for lunch? This is probably just a prank or something he knew Mikey is evil.

'Wait, how do you know Mikey?' Gerard suddenly asks after getting over the shock of someone actually being nice to him though he doesn't rule out the idea that somehow Frank's trying to make fun of him. He blames high school for that. Gerard doesn't remember Mikey mentioning the name Frank or anyone for that matter when he talked about this job, only some dude named Tomo or Tobo who told Mikey about a wanted position in the arts department.

'Mostly through Toro and you know he would sometimes come down here and jam with us a bit. Do you play anything?' Frank says slowly walking towards the elevators, Gerard following behind him while sipping his coffee which was way too hot. He lets his eyes wander up and down Frank while he has the chance, just because he's new doesn't mean he can't appreciate a nice butt.

'Not really. I tried playing guitar but I'm no good, I guess that stuff isn't really for me' Gerard answers through his burnt tongue.

'Nah, dude, music is for everyone, trust me' Frank says and offers another blinding smile and Gerard feels his cheeks heat up. He prays the he'll think it's from the coffee or the air conditioning in here. He's been locked away in his room for so long he's starting to act like a school girl around every nice looking guy, how pathetic, he thinks.

They step into the elevator with 3 other people who give them disapproving looks for fuck knows what or maybe their faces were just stuck that way from being assholes. They step into the back of the tiny metal room and Frank seeing the worry on his face leans into his ear and whispers in a low voice

'Ignore them, most of them are pricks anyway, they think that because they get paid more we should respect them and kiss their asses' Gerard almost missed a part of the sentence because the elevator started to move. Franks breath tickles his neck. Gerard just clenches his jaw and doesn't respond. He doesn't want to admit the real reason he's worried. Right then he hears a ding and the little sign with the number 3 blinking on it.

'So, I'll see you at lunch?' Frank asks hopefully. 'Sure' the taller man says and smiles still quite unsure of if this is really happening, which earns another wide reassuring smile from Frank.

He looks around: there are two corridors on each side of him. Wait, which one Frank said to take? Left or right? Fuck. He remembers something he read at the back of a comic book when he was about 5 ''if you don't know where to go. Always take the right way" fine. Right it is then. He decides to just open the first door and ask where to find the manager. He strides the few steps to the plain grey door and swings it open rather than fucking knock like a normal human being and he really should have because the first thing he saw made him choke on his spit and drop the cup of coffee on the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

The room’s white or at least it looked like that from all the lighting. Right in front of Gerard is a platform covered in a white sheet and two girls are on it and it looked like they’re posing because a lot of other people are jumping around them and there are all these cameras flashing about. Oh right and the girls are naked. It looked like a photo shoot for a porn magazine.

Gerard saw things on that platform he wished he never saw. Well the good news is that it completely put the thought of Frank and his smile out of his mind. In fact now he feels like he’s going to throw up from what he’s seeing.

 His spilled coffee stains the white sheet and the two girls keep looking at him confused seeming unaware or maybe unfazed by the fact that they were naked. Some tall skinny guy is yelling at him in a thick Italian accent but the air is so stuffed and hot in the studio, his ears are muffled and he can’t understand a word he’s saying, the only thing he hears is his pulse thumping in his head. Gerard scrambles out of the room as fast as possible, red as a tomato and breathing fast like he ran a marathon.

Right then Frank’s words ring back to him “go to the 3rd floor and take a left” _LEFT god damn it!_ He curses his memory for failing him once again. Gerard marches fast towards the other corridor fuming with anger at himself.

He isn’t surprised that there’s a studio for erotic photo shoots here, this is a very large company. It has almost everything, from radio stations, TV studios to record companies, movie editing studios, business companies. All of them are connected with each other one way or another. He’s been here once before when he was a kid, he sat in the audience at some talk show. So really it isn’t that shocking to find this kind of studio.

He reaches the end of the corridor and spots a door with the label ‘Manager’. He rubs his temples and fights the urge to hit his head against the wall all the while thinking why the hell he didn’t just search for the labeled door first instead of being an idiot and embarrassing himself and also trying very hard to get the previous images out of his head.

Gerard knocks this time and waits to get called in. the office is rather small and unimpressive, if Gerard didn’t know this was the manager’s office he would’ve guessed it was a regular employees with a low pay check work place. The poor desk is covered in so much paper, files and other crap it looks like it’s going to fall apart any second. Actually the whole office is covered in trash and there’s a strong sweat, cigarette smoke, and fast food smell in the air that makes Gerard wrinkle his nose and crave for a cigarette at the same time.

The man behind the desk is way over 40, almost completely bald and quite large. Gerard can see the buttons barely hold his white sweaty shirt together.  There’s an unfinished burger and fries on the table so that explains the cheap fast food scent. Gerard gives a reluctant handshake and takes a seat trying discretely to wipe off the grease, sweat or whatever was covering his manager’s hand on the chair.

They talk very shortly (for what Gerard is very pleased) discuss business, payment, regular work stuff, Gerard’s thrilled because he got his own office, then he gets a stack of papers with his assignments for the week and heads off to his office which is only a few doors away.

His office looks the same as the manager’s except without the paper and trash. He drops his work on the table and goes to open the window. First things first, he lights up his cigarette and leans against the wall near the window and lets the poison overcome and relax his body. He loses his jacket and scarf and tosses them carelessly on the chair. Well things could have been worse today Gerard thought optimistically and a bit sarcastically at the same time but it doesn’t matter, he doesn’t plan on keeping this job, even for his new and only friend here Frank. He already embarrassed himself so much, he’s sure the photographers from that studio will be talking about him for weeks and he’s been here only half an hour.

Gerard pushes those thoughts away, and opens up his work papers. There are various projects he can take on. His manager said that it doesn’t matter which one he starts first as long as he finishes most of them by the end of the week. He quickly flips through all of them there are designs for a new commercial, a couple of posters for bands, movies and ads most of them look pretty dull so he just takes the first from the top and gets to work immediately.

It’s strange for him to be drawing in daylight, not drunk or stoned, or sleep deprived, but it’s a nice change. He puts on some music to keep energized though he’ll probably have to go look for another coffee machine soon since he spilled half of his previous one.  It’s not long before he’s fully singing and dancing as much as the chair lets him and that’s how pretty much half of his day goes by. When it’s time for lunch he’s almost finished his first project.

He goes towards the elevator in a better mood, feeling a bit more confident and his morning failures almost forgotten. He’s really glad for the fact that he can work on his own without anyone interrupting him or trying to keep up a pathetic dull conversation to avoid an uncomfortable silence. Though when he presses the button with the number 5 written on it, he can’t help but feel a little anxious.

When he reaches the 5th floor he’s surprised to see that this one isn’t like the others: simple plain corridors with the same gray doors at every few steps. This one is like a large room, from the equipment and various music instruments lying around it’s not hard to guess it’s some kind of record studio.

He barely takes two steps inside when someone is already tugging on his arm ‘Hey, Gerard! You made it! How’s your day so far? Did they give you a lot of work? They’re not being assholes to you are they? Oh, which pizza do you want pepperoni or my vegetarian one?’ Frank rambles on quickly while pulling him to a smaller room on the right where Gerard can hear other people’s voices.

“Hey well um my day is fine so far, I’ve got plenty of work to keep me busy. No they’re not and I’ll be fine with the pepperoni one” Gerard answers counting on his fingers to see if he answered all of Frank’s questions.

The new room is small and stuffy with a lot of wires, amps and other tech Gerard’s seeing for the first time. He can see a large black window covering more than half of the left wall and guesses it’s for recording or other music related stuff.

The other 2 people in the room seem to be arguing. One of them is a big tough looking guy that Gerard never wants to piss off with blond hair, thick beard and radiant blue eyes. He’s sitting by a little table and stuffing a piece of pizza in his mouth. The other one with impressive large and curly hair and an AC/DC t-shirt is sitting opposite of the blonde guy and tapping his foot a long some beat.

“I’m telling you dude you can’t compare those two movies together, it would be like comparing Pink-Floyd with Michael Jackson!” says the blond guy with a full mouth and an almost aggressive voice.

“Yeah if I add a pause here it would even out the main melody and get along with the drum-no wait then it won’t match with the bridge” his friend says almost to himself while writing something down on a piece of paper. He looks just as intimidating as the other but his kind and soft voice suggest differently.

Gerard tries to process in his head what he just heard and no matter how he tries to look at it, it still doesn’t make any sense. Frank steps in behind him putting a hand on his shoulder ‘don’t mind them, they do this a lot. Both of them always arguing over the strangest shit, half of the time it doesn’t make any sense. You get used to it’ Frank says quietly to Gerard then turns to the one with the large hair

“Ray, will you stop trying to fix that, it’s pizza time! You’ll finish it after our break it’s not going anywhere. In the mean time I want both of you to say hello to Mikey’s brother Gerard who started working here only today.” Frank looks positively hyper and Gerard thinks that maybe his job requires drinking large amounts of Redbull because that’s what it seems like.

“So this is Bob” Frank continues pointing at the blond bearded guy who waves a hello and takes another slice of pizza “this is our mastermind Ray Toro who’s also a workaholic” Ray lets out a slightly offended ‘hey!’ and turns to Gerard and shakes his hand. “And last but definitely not least this is pizza” Frank says giving him a slice and a can of coke. Gerard mumbles a thank you and sits at the table with them.

“So how do you like it here, Gerard? Or should I say hate it here” Bob asks.

“It’s alright I guess, I have my own office so it’s easier for me to work but I probably won’t stay here long” Gerard says. He figures he’ll at least be honest with them, he doesn’t see any reason to hide this.

“What why?” Frank and Ray say at the same time. “Oh wait, Mikey did warn me you’ll try to chicken your way out of this but c’mon at least stay for this week it isn’t that bad, don’t listen to those guys” Ray says finally putting the piece of paper away and reaching for the pizza.

“I don’t know, I mean I sort of have a job, I sell paintings and I’ve been fine with that for a long time” Gerard answers keeping his eyes on the table. This time he went for the lie. Gerard didn’t want to say the he hasn’t sold a single painting in almost a month and has been living off his mother.

“C’mon dude stay, we’re having a gig on Friday and you can get in there free if you work here” Frank says scooting closer to him and not breaking eye contact looking like he honestly wanted for Gerard to stay.

He doesn’t understand why though, they don’t even know him or maybe Mikey told them about him in which case he’ll have to have a very serious conversation with him about a thing called privacy.

Gerard stares back at Frank’s big puppy dog eyes and until he reaches a point where his stomach does a flip and he has to look away and then hears himself say “yeah, fine. I’ll stay till your gig”


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of lunch break flies by way too fast. They talked about all the good old classical rock bands and how much they had an impact on everyone while now all of it is done only for money and music has lost its value. Gerard went from being shy and quiet to extremely passionate and talkative. Frank, Ray and Bob were so impressed by what Gerard knew and the way he was talking about music they looked like kindergartener’s listening to a fairy tale: on the edge of their chairs, eyes wide and mouth slightly open.

Gerard smiles at that memory as he makes his way back to his office. _I_ _guess I could survive a week of this_ he thinks. He still can’t believe how easily he said yes to Frank when all he could think about today was when do I get to go back home. Though as much as he hates to admit some part of him does want to stay but only a small part the other one wants to run back to what’s familiar and old where he knows how everything works. He doesn’t like the process of being new at something and learning what to do, what to say, when to say it, where to go, where not to go like he’s a baby discovering something new for the very first time while everyone else is way ahead of him already.

When he gets back home after work he ponders the idea of taking a shower but decides against it when he sees and unfinished bottle of vodka. Gerard realizes he should be cutting down this stuff but he figures he made a lot of effort for the day already getting up and making himself go to work so he deserves a reward.

Before the cold bottle touched his lips his phone rings and there’s only one person in the world who ever calls him

“Hey Mikey. How’s the honeymoon going?” Gerard asks while slumping down on his comfy bed.

“Good good, still the first one was better, how was your day at work, you showed up there, right?” Mikey says. Gerard can hear a loud noise in the background, the kind of when there’s little or almost no reception, but it’s more likely the beach and the waves crashing into one another considering where he’s at.

“Yes, Mikey, I did. I’m not that irresponsible” Gerard says immediately knowing how stupid that sounds since he considered faking being sick, oversleeping or forgetting. ‘It was alright I guess but they don’t have a coffee machine on my floor!’ the older brother says dramatically.

“Oh my, how will you ever survive? We’ll have to sue the company then, this is just unacceptable!” Mikey says mockingly which makes Gerard smile. This is why they’ve managed to stay best-friends (and Gerard’s only friend) all these years. They shared similar interests and supported each other, they could have full conversations with each other across the room without opening their mouths it was just so easy with Mikey sometimes it still surprises him.

“Oh I met your friends today they seem pretty cool” Gerard says suddenly.

“I know they are. They’re good people you can count on them while I get back, especially Frank” Mikey says.

“Why, what’s so special about Frank?  Should I know something about him?” Gerard asks hurriedly, sitting up on his bed, curiosity getting to him.

Mikey laughs in his ear “oh nothing, I knew you would go for it” Gerard can even _hear_ the smirk on his face.

“Knew I would go for what? C’mon Mikey don’t be douche tell me!” he says trying desperately to get an answer. If there’s one thing he hates, it’s secrets being kept from him.

“Okay bro got to go now, talk to you soon. Just don’t get wasted or anything, remember you have a job to go to now so don’t ruin it.” Mikey says and hangs up immediately. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which one is the older brother in this family. But he’s also mysterious as fuck and somehow seems to know about everything and everyone. To this day Gerard doesn’t know how he does it, and he isn’t sure if he even wants to know anymore.

The open bottle stares up at him from the floor, the liquor inside it tempting him and making his mouth water but after some thinking and a tired sigh Gerard puts the cap back on the bottle and stores it away for another night. He changes in his pajamas even though it’s only 8pm but he feels too comfortable in them, plus no one ever visits him except for his mom sometimes but she’s away on a trip with some friends (that’s why Mikey was so pushy about getting a job soon) so he really doesn’t care.

He watches 2 movies and he still can’t fall asleep and that’s not good since he has to get up early tomorrow again. He never had to deal with this problem before because he usually passed out from drinking.

Gerard puts on some random channel and tries to fall asleep but it’s hopeless: his mind is buzzing with today’s event’s, the secret Mikey is keeping from him, and he can’t seem to calm down. He goes for the last trick that should get him tired enough to sleep.

 He looks around his empty room, he always feels sort of self-conscious while doing this and slowly and unsurely slides his hand down to his pajama pants and grips himself trying to relax. He uses the fabric to create the friction needed to get him less tense and slightly aroused. He lets out a tiny sigh and sinks his head on the pillow and tries to imagine someone worth jacking-off to. Every time he picks someone different so as not to get bored of them or over use them too much. Gerard lifts up his head a little and sees Muse playing on the TV and goes for the drummer. After a few minutes he starts to get hard and increases his pace and the pressure on his hand imagining the blond on his knees blinking his big eyes at him and slowly jacking him off. He closes his eyes and starts quietly panting and soon the friction is not enough for him so he has to reach inside. Gerard lets out a tiny sound from the sudden burst of pleasure and throws his head back a little at the contact of skin feeling every cell in his body tense up and heat up.

 He starts stroking slowly from the base, teasing himself a little longer and starts to notice that his fantasy boy’s hair is growing darker as well as his eyes. Gerard sucks in a breath and gets even more aroused from the new man in front of him. He imagines Frank licking around the head and then suddenly swallowing him down all the way and thrusts into his hand hard and lets out a breathy noise that’s a small fraction away from becoming a moan. The sheets around him rustle and the bed creaks a bit as he can’t help but move around and thrust into his hand while the other has a death grip on the sheet. Gerard gets impatient and stops the teasing and messing around. He speeds up twisting his wrist and moving his thumb across the head occasionally, letting out high short sounds of pure bliss and feeling his toes curl. He rams fantasy Frank against a wall and lets himself explore his body in every way he pleases and imagines Frank breathing, panting and begging for more right in his ear. It isn’t long before he feels his stomach warm up and the muscles tensing as he’s shaking and coming.

Gerard’s sweaty and spent like after a workout (though he’s never really had one) he can hear his heart thumping loudly and he has to admit that this was one of the most intense orgasms he’s ever had. Even after a few minutes of calming down when he tries to get up and clean himself his knees are still shaking and he can barely stand on his feet.

He’ll have trouble looking Frank in the eye the next day after all the mental images he got off to. Gerard falls asleep almost immediately and wakes up what seems only 5 minutes later to his alarm clock with a loud grunt that he has to get up.

…

The whole week goes by like that: get up early and grumpy, go to work, do a project, see Frank, Ray and Bob during lunch, go back home, jack-off and sleep. After all of the imagined intimacy and closeness he got off to nearly every evening, eventually living in fantasy isn’t enough and the want for another person’s warmth and touch starts to build up. Gerard found he was craving to do little things while Frank was around: touch him, hold his hand, sit closer next to him. Sometimes he had to consciously remind himself that he can’t do those things.

Also he avoids certain people at the company, the moment he sees someone from that studio that witnessed his humiliation he steers fast in to the opposite direction, one time he even ended up in the janitor’s closet.

Friday comes really fast. Gerard would have forgotten about it if it weren’t for Frank who stepped up in his office that day after lunch to remind him that it starts at 9 and to get there at least at 8 to get a decent spot. It was a bit strange since he could’ve just called through the office phone but ended up staying for a while in Gerard’s office talking about the upcoming show, not that Gerard minded.

 The show isn’t big, mainly three bands will be performing the first two Gerard’s never heard of before but the third is the one where Frank, Ray and Bob will be playing, they wanted to include Mikey as well as the bassist but he’s still not back from his 2nd honeymoon.

Gerard barely gets any work done on Friday because he kept getting sidetracked but it was a good thing he did most of the assignments earlier so his manager was pleased. Though it was hard to tell if he was pleased or not, when Gerard brought in his work he skimmed through it quickly not even giving him a chance to explain his ideas, gave him a curt nod of acceptance and motioned for him to leave, not saying one word in the process.

Gerard gets home in record time and goes straight to getting ready for tonight. It’ll be the first time he’ll be seeing Frank outside of work so he has to make a good impression. Gerard’s still pondering the idea whether or not to ask him out. On one side if it goes wrong he’ll just quit his job and avoid seeing him ever again, but if the answer is yes… well he didn’t really think about that option and he doesn’t want to start day dreaming about it either to avoid getting his hopes up because then it could hurt twice as much plus he’s not even sure Frank is gay. Contrary to what the movies are saying gay people don’t have a ‘radar’ that shows them who takes it up the ass or not.

Gerard’s first thing on his list: shower, so that’s the first thing he does when gets back home. He’s really quick with that and the next thing on the list: hair. He stares at his black almost shoulder length hair for a long time before giving up and putting it inside a towel and moves to makeup. He had to sustain from wearing eyeliner to work, mainly because Mikey talked him out of it saying it doesn’t look very professional so now he puts on a quite thick line of it along his eyes to make up for it. Next stop: clothes. That’s the trickiest part, he has no idea what to wear so he just takes a bunch of clothes and puts them on his bed and examines each one.

While he stands like that in front of his mirror: hair tied up in a towel, eyeliner and some eye shadows covering his face and holding up two different shirts seeing which one looks better he thinks this is probably the most gayest he’s ever been. Gerard’s never put that much effort in a date before (probably why he hasn’t had a relationship that lasted longer than 2 months) and it isn’t even a date.

Gerard gets frustrated really fast and just goes for a black shirt with shorter sleeves till his elbows, tight pants and his bat buckle belt. He doesn’t put that much effort in his hair since it’ll still get messy in the crowd and the messy hair suits him quite nicely.

It’s still about 15 minutes till he has to leave but since he has nothing else better to do he leaves early.

When he arrives at the place he smokes a cigarette outside his car to calm his nerves _it’s just a gig, a show that Frank is playing at, not a date, get it together_ and steps inside. There aren’t that many people here yet so Gerard goes for the bar. He orders only a beer, nothing too strong to make him do embarrassing things although he craves for something stronger and bad. He hasn’t drunk anything from Sunday, that makes it nearly a whole week of him being sober, it must be his new record. Through all the stress about the show and Frank and his new job he seemed to have forgotten the craving for it.

 The liquid feels so good and familiar sliding down his throat and burning just a bit, the hungry beast inside of him smiles in pleasure. He seems to relax, the feeling of alcohol in his system is familiar and welcome. Gerard doesn’t know whether he should savor it or drink it like mad all he knows is that once he starts it’s going to take a lot of will power to make him stop.

The man looks around and there are two more people at the bar: a guy who looks like he just turned 18 or maybe he has a fake ID and a girl with red hair on his other side. He looks at her for a while. The lights falls on her face just right and his hand itches for a pencil and some paper so instead he tries to remember every detail about her and the setting and maybe he’ll sketch something when he gets back home.

He watches the bands set up and people slowly flowing in the venue everything getting louder and hotter especially his beer. Gerard regretfully leaves it on the counter unfinished and goes to find a decent spot. He gets to the front quite easily and just in time about 5 minutes later people really start to fill in and get more vicious.

The first band is quite alright, consisting of 2 young girls playing and singing. Gerard manages to rock out to some of their songs and get warmed up. The 2nd one is a heavy almost nu-metal band and takes the longest time on stage. The crowd cheers for Frank’s band the loudest and Gerard can’t help but widen his eyes once he sees Frank.

A white really tight V-neck shirt that reveals more of his tattoos and apparently he has a lot, tight pants and not to mention a mohawk. Every dirty fantasy goes through Gerard’s mind on a flash before he remembers to control himself. They play punk-rock type of songs though some of Rays solos remind him a bit of classical heavy rock and they sound really good. Frank is playing and trashing around on stage like crazy, it’s obvious that he loves this and is putting every ounce of his soul into his performance and he’s just having so much fun it sparks a strange feeling inside Gerard. It’s strange because he’s never felt it before, he starts to smile from the warmth inside his chest because the man on stage is happy and it makes Gerard happy. It’s like a mirrored feeling, not a proud or even lust related feeling just joy.

Their performance ends way too soon for Gerard’s liking and right after it he’s fighting his way towards the backstage _I’m gonna do it_ he thinks finally making up his mind. He realizes he can’t take it anymore and he needs to know if his fantasies can become reality.

He bumps into Ray and Bob first. Gerard compliments their performance and tries to keep the conversation short. He doesn’t want to seem like an asshole that doesn’t care because he really does and means every word he says but at the same time he wants to get to Frank as soon as possible before he changes his mind.

 When he finally reaches Frank he’s alone so that’s a really big plus, if he gets rejected at least there won’t be an audience. He looks so much better up close and there’s a layer of sweat covering his skin that looks hotter than it should.

“Hey, Frank. Awesome show man you guys were amazing and energetic and everything worked so well. You did a great job and can I ask you something?” Gerard says the moment Frank spots him and smiles. He decides not to beat around the bush and just ask

“Thanks, really and it feels so good to be on stage y’know  and sure wh-“ “Frank?” a girls voice interrupts the shorter mans sentence and before Gerard has the time to turn around and see who it is she’s already here and hugging Frank tightly. He seems to be surprised but incredibly happy as well from seeing her and returns the embrace.

Gerard’s read the expression ‘boiling blood’ a couple of times but had trouble imagining it, he thought it was just an exaggeration of being frustrated but now he fully understands it because that’s what it feels like. It’s like he can feel every vein even the tiny ones flowing with hot blood rushing like adrenaline and he has to tries to regain some of the previous control and confidence he had but he still clenches his fists and raises his chin up in defense. And before he knows it there’s no room left inside his head for rational or calm thoughts.

For all he knows that girl could be Franks girlfriend, Franks never mentioned anything about his personal life too much so it could be. Or it could be a girl that Frank is crushing on or the other way around or maybe it’s a distant relative or a cousin either way the fact remains the same in Gerard’s head. Frank was _his_ that moment, he had his complete attention and focus and was about to ask something very important to him, perhaps something that might change the way his night ends and now it’s ruined.

After those two finished hugging, catching up and freaking out about how great the show was-in total about 6 minutes- Frank notices Gerard who was busy having an internal battle.

“Oh right sorry Gerard. Um this is my good friend Helen” Frank says introducing his friend. It’s the same girl with the red hair from the bar that Gerard saw earlier. He hasn’t changed his mind, if he has time he will sketch her, just in a different setting.

He puts on his best fake smile and shakes her hand and barely mouths a ‘hi’. She looks between him and Frank with a slightly confused expression before leaning into the shorter mans ear and whispering something that makes Frank’s smile drop and face flush a bit.

“Alright I’ll be going now I don’t want to disturb anything. It was nice meeting you Gerard, I really hope I’ll get to see you again” Helen says slowly backing up and throwing a stern and serious glance in Frank’s direction at her last words and disappears from the tiny backstage area.

“I’m so sorry about that, it’s just I haven’t seen her in a while and y’know… Hey you were gonna ask me something what is it?” Franks says with an apologetic look on his face that makes Gerard feel like that bad guy and his previous anger flames slowly die out. He doesn’t feel as confident before and his previous idea doesn’t seem that great anymore he just wants to get away from this now. While he was standing there and waiting, all of the anger and jealousy made him crave alcohol even more than before. He’s too weak to fight his urges, not now.

“Nah, nothing. It isn’t important.” He drops a bit sarcastically. “Look I think I’ll be heading out now” Gerard says looking at the ground.

“What? Now? C’mon we’re heading off to Rays place to play some videos games and just hang out I thought you’d want to come too” Frank says looking slightly hurt. Gerard feels bad, like he just literally kicked a puppy and threw it on a busy street but he has a lot on his mind and he just has to go, he has to leave and sort it out perhaps with some vodka.

“I’m feeling a bit tired so sorry I’ll pass but next time for sure” Gerard says going for the softest answer. It isn’t exactly a lie, he just didn’t tell the whole truth.

“Oh alright. Well I’ll see you later” Franks says looking a bit disappointed and going in for a hug. Gerard returns it but has trouble letting go. It just feels so warm and soft and just right in his arms if he didn’t have already have other plans for tonight, he’d want to spend the rest of the evening in an embrace like that. He lets go just when the hug was about to get awkwardly long.

“So you’ll come back to work on Monday?” Frank asks quickly. Gerard stares right into his eyes until his stomach does a flip again but this time he doesn’t look away and remembers Frank happy and ecstatic on stage today and says

“Yeah, I’ll come back” and he means it. 


	4. Chapter 4

Gerard gets back home and goes straight for the little cabinet in the kitchen with all the alcohol. He doesn’t want to think about what he did, why he did it or how he felt at that moment, for now he wants to feel nothing and get away from it for a couple of hours. He realizes it’s childish, that he can’t really escape it or take anything back this is just his way of dealing with it.

He knew he liked Frank from the moment he smiled at him and he already told himself a million times that there’s a big chance he doesn’t feel like that towards him. He thought he accepted it. It’s like high school all over again he sees a pretty boy, starts to like him and then gets possessive over him even though some of them didn’t even know he existed. He’d glare at anyone who got close to his crush, snap at them and create scenarios in his head where he kills the ones who are interfering and later gets crushed because he’s too chicken to do anything about it. He hates the feeling of being utterly obsessed over someone, being so dependant from them.

He chases those thoughts away and focuses on the bottle in front of him. He drinks until he can barely walk back to his bedroom and slumps down on the bed, bottle still in hand. Gerard doesn’t realize how long he was asleep or if he was even asleep. At some point he heard the door open and close again, it must’ve been his mom who got back from her trip.

It’s a shame that instead of a greeting, a hug, some coffee or tea she found her eldest son lying unconscious, makeup smeared all over his face, clothes reeking from sweat and bottles of alcohol rolling on the ground. But she can’t do anything about it but watch him waste himself like this. Donna Way just smiles sadly for having her hopes up that when she returns, he’ll have changed, turns around and leaves his bedroom.

When Gerard finally wakes up for a moment he can’t remember where he is, what day is it or even who he is. Slowly everything starts flowing back to him and as he vaguely remembers last night events someone slams his head with a hammer and puts him back to bed. Gerard moans from the massive headache and reaches for the glass of water his mom put on the nightstand. He drinks it greedily and thirsts for more but for that he would have to get up from his bed.

Gerard kicks the empty bottles on the way to the bathroom. The sound of them rolling on the ground and hitting each other goes right through his head as well as every step he takes and he has to clench his teeth.

He reaches the bathroom what seems to him an hour later, strips off his smelly clothes and gets in the shower. He takes his precious time in the water feeling his mind start working more clearly through the hangover.  He doesn’t think about yesterday anymore. He dealt with it last night. End of story.

After he’s done he feels better and realizes how hungry he is. He goes upstairs and finds his mom in the kitchen

“Hey mom didn’t hear you come home last night. How was the trip?” Gerard asks while scratching his wet head and going for the coffee maker.

“It was really good we had a lot of fun. How were you? How’s the new job?” his mom asks. She does look better, no dark circles under her eyes and her face isn’t sickly pale.

“it’s great I think I’m going to keep this one, the job isn’t difficult, I have my own office and I already made friends there” Gerard says tiredly “what time is it?” he asks looking around seeing the sky in  a darker shade of blue.

“It’s almost 5pm honey. That’s great news! I’m really proud of you” his mother says “oh there is left over food and snacks from my trip if you want some, I’m going to the grocery shop since we don’t have any decent food products around here, seriously what have you been eating all those days, Gerard? Anyway do you want anything from the store?” she asks grabbing her car keys.

“Just something cold to drink, I’ll probably go take a nap so can you put it in my room?” Gerard says stirring his coffee and sitting down at the table.

“Sure honey” she smiles motherly and disappears through the door.

Gerard takes his mug, heats up some mac and cheese and slumps his way back to the basement. He’s too awake to sleep anymore but too tired to do anything either. He can only describe this feeling as being completely numb to everything. He turns on some channel and stares at the colorful images moving, feeling absolutely indifferent about everything. That’s what he was aiming for when he got drunk last night.

That’s how the rest of his Saturday goes by. Sunday Gerard wakes up in a better mood and helps his mom clean around the house, which cheers her up as well. He even takes a fucking shower and finishes the last assignment he was given at work, though it wasn’t necessary.

Gerard starts thinking about renting his own apartment, he’s 26 for Christ sake and he’s still living with his mother. There’s nothing embarrassing about that he just thinks it’s time for him to live his own life and his mother is having a hard time paying for the house, herself and Gerard’s needs as well. He spends his evening talking with Mikey about his honeymoon and the show Gerard went to. He doesn’t hide anything from Mikey and tells him everything. The younger brother gets upset hearing about Gerard’s little re-lap on booze and tells him to just calm down, don’t get paranoid over everything and if he really wants Frank he’s going to be a big boy about it and just ask.

Gerard ends up thinking about it again and he decides not to do anything unless there are clear signs that he likes him back because he isn’t feeling as brave as before and doesn’t want to go through the same thing like Friday and he falls asleep with that thought in mind

…

It’s Monday again and Gerard shows up late not to mention without having his morning coffee. His manager gives him a warning but it’s hard to take him seriously when he’s eating a sandwich the size of his arm and there’s sauce and other ingredients dripping on some important looking papers on his desk.

He gets another stack of work and sets off to his office. He brought his good pencils this time because the company’s ones were giving him a headache. At lunch Gerard meets up with his friends again and surprise surprise they were having pizza again.

They properly discuss the show and tell Gerard what he missed out at Rays. Then followed the regular work related talk, Ray and Frank are having trouble with some of their songs and Bob couldn’t find a decent singer for the commercial he’s working on. Bob is not only one of the main people who run this tiny record company he also sometimes gets to compose melodies or certain effects for movies and TV programs or in this case a commercial.

Gerard manages to finish two of his assignments by the end of the day. He packs up his stuff, locks the office and goes outside lighting up a cigarette and starts walking in the direction of his home when someone grabs his arm from behind.

“Hey let go what are you- Frank? C’mon dude what the hell?” Gerard says surprised. Frank is smiling wide and pulling him in the opposite direction.

“Well you promised that next time you would come and hang out with us remember? And that’s now. C’mon we’re heading to my place, Ray and Bob are already there” Frank says casually.

“But it’s a Monday! We have work tomorrow and I don’t even know where you live how will I get back home?” Gerard asks panicking slightly and trying to get away from Franks tight grip.

“Will you stop worrying.” He says rolling his eyes “We’re not going to get wasted or anything, I live nearby and I’ll drive you home if you really need to princess. Now c’mon keep moving I’m not taking a no for an answer” Frank says still smiling like he’s pleased with himself at Gerard and not letting go of him.

“Fucking Christ this is ridiculous” Gerard sighs and still continues to put up a fight, trying to show he’s not pleased with this situation though he hates to admit that he’s enjoying every second of it.

They get to Frank’s apartment which is small but cozy, with only 2 bedrooms and a small kitchen, which’s state suggests Frank isn’t a very good cook, and the place has a specific smell like every house does that no amount of perfume can hide. It smells distinctly like ironed clothes, guitar strings and wood.

They go into the living room where it sounds that there’s a murder or an assault going on it there but in reality it’s just Ray and Bob furiously playing video games and shouting either at each other or the game.

“Hey guys, look who decided to come! And you said that he wouldn’t, ha! I should have put a bet on that I’s have gotten another easy 5 bucks” Frank says gleefully reaching for a beer and giving Gerard one as well

“Decided to come? Frank you dragged me here and I’m not so sure you’d have won that bet” Gerard says taking a seat on the couch and taking a careful sip of the beer in hand.

“Yeah get used to it, he does that a lot to people who-“ Bob gets interrupted by Ray’s elbow knocking into his side, it wasn’t clear if it was on purpose or not but after they share a quick look Bob continues “he just does that, Frank’s annoying like that. Don’t worry after a while you learn to tune it out and go along with it” 

“So what you tune me out? Alright Bryar, game on. Ray give me your controller, I’m taking this bitch down” Frank says walking towards them. Gerard just laughs and watches their little show. It was a tie between those two until Ray stepped in and started giving hints to Bob so in the end Frank was beaten.

They played with each one of them till 3am. Gerard lost in almost every game and by the end he just gave up. Ray was like a video game genius, there was only one time Bob beat him. Later on no one wanted to play with Ray anymore, because it’s impossible to win against him.

Gerard had only two beers which he’s very proud of. After another match with Ray he goes to the bathroom, takes his time, fixes his hair in front of the mirror. When he goes back to the living room there’s only Frank left lying in the couch, the TV’s turned off, so are half of the lights in the apartment and no more sign of Ray and Bob

“How long was I in there?” Gerard asks looking around. Frank giggles franticly and Gerard notices him holding a joint in his other hand.

“Not long. Ray and Bob went home already” Frank says offering it to Gerard. He sits down on the ground so his back is against the couch near where Frank’s head is lying and takes the pot from him. He feels himself relax and become lighter as he exhales the smoke and slides down further on the ground so his head is barely above the couch.

“So you guys do this every Monday?” Gerard asks, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“Nope. We rarely do it on a work day, except on birthday’s maybe. I just though we may not catch you on the weekend or something and I wanted you to come hang with us and here we are” Frank says mimicking Gerard’s voice.

The things that Frank just said and the fact that he said it so close to his ear in almost a whisper makes Gerard’s stomach tingle again from butterflies. No wait, more like bats. A bat. Or batman. Then Gerard starts to imagine batman. A tiny batman stuck in his stomach trying to fight his way out of it and he starts to laugh from the thought of it. Frank starts laughing as well though he doesn’t even know why.

Gerard could just turn his head, turn his head to his right and their lips would be inches apart or even touching. The thought is so appealing and tempting even with his fuzzy brain he feels the tension and wonders if Frank is feeling the same right now. He imagines it so many times in his head he has to physically control himself to not reach out and pull him in by his neck.

“Hey Gee?” Frank barely whispers in Gerard’s ear that sends waves of electricity down his spine and then over his whole body. It’s so intimate, the world closed around them and they’re the only people in this tiny bubble that is running out of oxygen. He turns his head slightly not being able to bear it and finds Frank’s face right there in front of him. Eyes half closed, mouth slightly open, his breathing slightly faster than normal and Gerard can feel his puffs of air on his cheek and see every shade of brown and green in his irises. He feels his heart start to beat faster as Frank looks him in the eye and then his gaze falls on his lips

“I’m feeling really sleepy and I don’t know if I can walk you home” Franks says closing his eyes tight. Oh. The word disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe what Gerard is feeling now.

He feels embarrassed even though he technically didn’t do anything, didn’t even lean in, but he expected for such a stupid thing to happen and let his day dreaming get the best of him. 

“it’s alright, I can walk back home just fine” Gerard says getting up from his spot and sees Frank extending his hands up for a hug. The older man embraces him without hesitation. If this is as much closeness he’s going to get from this he’s not going to pass on it.

The hug is a bit awkward since Frank is still lying on the couch and he buries his face in Gerard’s hair and says “Or you can stay the night here with me if you want” though all Gerard hears is muffled sounds and he ignores it, he heard enough indirect rejection in the past days. He says his goodbyes and quietly leaves the apartment.


	5. Chapter 5

Gerard walks down the dark road barely lifting his feet. The empty and peaceful neighborhood is calming his nerves. Well that and the weed he took at Frank’s. His heart sinks at the thought of his name so he tries to take it off his mind and concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other.

His mom is already asleep when he reaches home.  He’s glad he’s a little stoned so he doesn’t need to drink himself to unconsciousness and falls asleep the moment he lays his head on the pillow.

He has an uneasy night: Dreaming all sorts of things that don’t add up: him running down a stairway trying to catch Frank and never seeming to get to him because either Frank has super speed or his legs weigh tones, then somehow ending up in an airport where he gets lost for what seems like hours and missing his flight because he didn’t find his gate in time, feeling hopeless and scared the whole time.

The whole morning his brain is still circling around those vivid dreams, not letting go. Gerard tries desperately to remember other parts of it so he could understand what they mean, do they mean something?  Is he being superstitious? Or maybe it’s his mind trying to tell him something?

His manager flicks his fingers in front of him a couple of times

“Hey Gerard! Pay attention, you keep dozing off. Is everything alright?” _I’m already at work?  How did I get here? Wasn’t I just home having coffee? Did I even have coffee today?_ Gerard asks himself looking around the messy office.

“Uh yeah, sorry. I’m fine” he says blushing slightly, feeling embarrassed and tries to concentrate more on his surroundings.

“Well as I’ve been saying we’re happy having you here on the team and since you’re new and all you may not know that there’s the annual company party in a few weeks, all the details are on the company’s website. Oh and you can bring a date if you want” He says in his boring deep voice that slowly goes lower suggesting he’s done with the conversation and it’s Gerard’s cue to leave.

He gives a tiny mocking scoff but hides it beneath a smile so it looks like a chuckle and leaves the office. _A date. How ridiculous._ The only person he’d be interested in taking to the party doesn’t even like him. The more he keeps thinking about it the more he feels unmotivated to go there. Though the thing he’s most scared of: what if Frank shows up with a date, like with Helen. He feels a pang in his stomach and lets out a sigh.

His work is slower than usual: he keeps drawing his dream scenes or Frank or random made up characters that have nothing to do with his work. He lets out a frustrated sigh and grabs his pack of cigarettes and his jacket and goes to the only balcony on the 3rd floor.

He finds it empty, fortunately and puts his elbows on the railing looking over the dull city view. It’s getting colder by the day, October is approaching. The leaves are already changing their color the wind is getting stronger drowning out all the other sounds from the busy city street.  Gerard lets it refresh his mind, leans against the rough wall and inhales a lot of fresh air before putting his cigarette in his mouth and closing his eyes, enjoying the peaceful moment. Focusing only on now and there, he’ll deal with the other things that are bothering him when he gets home. When he’s done he stands there for a moment looking over to the dirty grey city on a cloudy day. People hurrying, cars speeding and honking at one another. Gerard feels so disconnected with all of it. It’s like he’s standing on another level or came from another dimension and watches the tiny humans run not being able to stop even for just a moment.

Gerard thinks he’s still probably a bit stoned from yesterday and exists from the balcony. He checks the time and sees that it’s almost lunch. He doesn’t feel like eating though, or seeing or talking with anyone for that matter but still, he feels almost compelled to go there now. So he, very slowly, dragging his feet along the dark blue carpet that covers the whole floor, walks toward the elevator.

He takes a deep breath as the elevator comes to a stop earning a couple of weird glances from the other people standing near him. He goes inside the record studio and finds that there is no one to greet him. Usually Frank is already there, giving him a hug and leading him to the little room where they always have pizza. But now - nothing.

He hears a girls laugh from the little room along with Frank’s signature giggle. Gerard’s jaw clenches, frustration already boiling inside of him as he recognizes the voice. His brain advises him to leave, go back, calm down but his legs are already carrying him towards the room. If he were a cartoon character there’d be fumes coming out of his ears.

He opens the door and sees all of them sitting around the table laughing, Helen taking his seat.

Frank notices him first and waves, then followed by the others

“Hey, Gee! C’mon in! You remember Helen don’t you? Take a seat. Oh, wait shit all of the chairs are taken. Hold on we’ll fix something up” Frank says looking around for something that could be big enough to sit on.

Gerard feels a mixture of feelings at that moment. At first he felt angry, jealous and if looks could kill the girl would have been dead in a second but the moment Frank opened his mouth his insides softened, turned into some kind of goo and the remains of his frustration were directed to him, his possessive nature overcoming common sense. He knows he’s going to regret this.

“Oh no, that’s okay. It seems you were doing fine without me, plus you have important guests. I don’t want to ruin the fun.” Gerard bites back quite harshly, his lips pressed together in a thin line as he slowly backs away from the room.

Ray, Bob and Helen look at each other with confused faces while Frank reacts instantly

“What? No wait Gerard!” he yells after him and catches him by the elevator door. “What the hell does that supposed to mean?” Frank says holding Gerard by the arm, looking confused and maybe even a bit angry. “Look if this is about last night I’m sorry, alright?” he says unsurely, dropping his eyes to the ground “I was stoned I didn’t know what I was saying”

“What are you talking about?” Gerard asks feeling completely lost. Nothing technically happened he just expected it would lead to something. He goes over last night in his head a couple of times and there was nothing Frank said that would have been weird or offensive in any way.

”Right before you left when I asked you to stay for the night with me. It was stupid. I’m stupid, okay? I didn’t mean to freak you out.” Frank says feeling uncomfortable

“Wait, what?” He tries to process what he just heard. He remembers Frank saying something incoherent during their goodbye hug but he never really gave it much thought. Huh.

“Isn’t that why you’re upset?” Frank asks not sure of what’s going on here.

By that point Gerard’s head becomes a ball of buzz, chatter. About a million questions go through his mind. But the biggest one he’s debating is whether to tell him the truth honestly, how he feels, though Frank just made it very clear that it was a mistake so this might ruin their friendship, or go with the lie.

 “Yeah, I guess I just wasn’t expecting it, but I guess it’s alright now” he says quickly going with the safest option and immediately feeling guilty.

“Good. So are you going to have lunch with us?” Frank says with a relieved face and a small smile creeping up on his face which brightens up Gerard’s mood as well.

…  

Gerard isn’t angry anymore after talking with Frank so he joins them and sits on a big speaker. He’s still cold towards Helen and barely says a word or two to her. She notices it of course but seeing how Frank and Gerard look at each other when they think the other isn’t looking, she keeps her mouth shut. Ray and Bob already go back to work though Gerard can still hear them arguing about The Lord of The Rings. It’s only the 3 of them left in the room. Helen puts her head on Frank’s shoulder sweetly and asks

“Any plans for the weekend?” _mine_. His mind growls the moment she starts talking. Frank thinks for a moment before answering

“No I don’t think so, you wanna hang out?” _he’s Mine_. Gerard clenches his fist.

“Yup! It’s been a while since we had a movie night, I figure we can remember the good ol’ times before I leave the city again. I mean c’mon do you remember the last times?” _MINE!_ Gerard inhales and exhales deeply and quite loudly to calm himself, though the both of them fail to notice that as they start laughing in agreement sharing some inside jokes and then laughing even harder.  

Helen glances over seeing Gerard’s pained and intense gaze fixated on the can coke he’s about to blow up with his mind. She stops laughing and takes a moment thinking what to say next while Frank is still clutching his stomach in laughter.

“Or we could go to a bar. Who knows maybe you’ll meet the guy of your dreams there.” _Oh?_ This catches Gerard’s attention and he lifts up his head a little.

“Yeah, the last time we went to a gay bar it didn’t work out so well, you kept pointing and shouting at random people, there are at least 2 bars now that I’m too embarrassed to set my foot in so no, I’ll stick with the movie night.” Frank says mockingly.

 Gerard starts to feel out of context and drowns out the rest of their conversation. The lunch break is almost over so he excuses himself saying his goodbyes and gives Helen a small but honest smile, she just nods at him understandingly.

 His thoughts are so loud: one voice shouting over another, his mind feels like an angry mob. His mind hasn’t had this much to think about for years, he’s surprised his mind isn’t breaking down from the pressure it’s on. He manages to catch one clear thought right after he enters the elevator _well this changes things_.


	6. Chapter 6

Gerard can’t seem to make his thoughts shut up, so he goes on autopilot, walking back mindlessly back to his small office while he began to over think everything he knows so far.

He makes his mind shut up for a minute and tries to think logically. Alright what are the facts? 1. Frank is gay or at the very least bi so that increases Gerard’s chances. 2. Yesterday Frank said to stay with him for the night and today he said it didn’t mean anything. This one is the tough one so he starts to analyze it carefully. Let’s say hypothetically Frank does like him. He likes Gerard but he’s too afraid to tell him though he doubts that’s the case. Frank doesn’t look like the shy sort of person he looks more like the honest straight forward guy. But for the sake of the theory let’s say he is. The pot could have made him careless about the things he says therefore letting his question slip and since Gerard didn’t hear it and just went home he could have took it as a rejection so he covered it up with a lie. It could have been true…

Gerard is already in his office mindlessly drawing another project, this time according to the theme though his mind is still somewhere else.

Now let’s look at it from another direction. Let’s say that Frank doesn’t like Gerard, it is highly possible seeing as Gerard isn’t the best looking guy or the easiest to handle. The pot could have messed up his head, Gerard’s familiar with that. Back when he used to crash gay bars himself, got completely wasted and ended up sucking off the grossest men just because at the spur of the moment he felt like doing it. So it’s also possible he could have said it without thinking and the apology was sincere today.

Both of these theories seem likely so it’s a 50/50 chance.

Fuck.

At least he gets 1 project done. His mind is still buzzing when he gets home and his mom greets him with a worried expression

“Are you alright honey? You look like something is troubling you” she says not letting him get away and lock himself up in his room and leads him to the kitchen, starting up the coffee maker.

“I just had a long day that’s all” he says not coming up with a better answer.

“Is it work related?”

“Not exactly”

‘Boy trouble?’ she asks with a knowing look on her face seeing her son’s face slightly twitch at that.

“Yeah I guess.”

“Well whatever it is, follow your gut and you’ll be fine” she assures him, not pressing for details.

 ‘It’s not that easy mom.” He sighs. It’s chance, either he wins or loses, not only Frank but the first decent job he’s ever had.

“Well I don’t have all the answers. You need to get out there and take a risk once in a while. I’m sure whoever he is, he’d be lucky to have you” Donna puts her hand on her son’s shoulder as her heart aches at the sight of her son so troubled and upset.

Gerard gives half a smile “All moms say that”

“Well I’m not like all the other moms.” She says smiling at him “I’m gonna get some shut eye, my shift starts early tomorrow and I want to get a decent night sleep.” she says with a yawn and gets up from her chair.

There is a lot of truth in her words but they don’t make Gerard feel any more confident about his chances and his mood was already ruined for today so he ends up taking a couple of bottles of vodka and goes down to his room for a one man’s party.

Lately he doesn’t even need a proper reason to drink or he creates it out of nothing to make himself feel better. Denying his addiction and calling it a hobby or a remedy for all illnesses. It’s a problem he’s had for a good year now, never getting enough, always craving more. The first week of his job was the longest time he went without any sort of beverage (except for the crappy beer at Frank’s gig) so it’s like coming back to the arms of an old friend.

 He passes out after the first bottle and wakes up to the sun shining in his eyes. Even through his hangover he panics and reaches for his phone to check the time. It’s 10am, he’s already missed 2 hours of work. Gerard still needs to change his clothes, have breakfast and walk to his work place so that would take up another 30min. his arm feels cold and exposed from being outside the sheet and he decides it’s not worth going. He calls his manager and tells him he’s sick it’s quite convincing since his voice is scratchy and tired and slumps his head back on the pillow for a few more hours.

He awakes with an even bigger headache so Gerard turns on some crappy TV show and starts off the 2nd bottle to numb it down. During lunch time (fro Gerard it was just after breakfast though) he gets a few texts, later on even a call from Frank asking him where he is and if he’s alright. Gerard doesn’t answer any of them, he wants this day to himself, he’ll deal with it later.

He’s savoring the taste today, feeling every gulp of the poison burn his throat and warm him from the inside. Time flies by really fast, his mom doesn’t say anything about him not going to work, it’s not high school anymore, he has to learn from his mistakes himself.

Around 7pm he hears another person enter the house. That’s strange, no one ever visits them and Mikey gets back in 3 or 4 days Gerard can’t really remember. He’s laying on his bed, face buried in his pillow, half empty bottle of vodka in his left hand when he hears his basements door slam loudly. Gerard looks up instantly getting a head rush along the way so it’s hard to make out who’s in the room.

The person lets out a scoff “I knew you weren’t sick. What the hell Gerard? Where have you been?”

‘Um, home?’ Gerard answers uncertainly, where else could he have gone? He stares into Frank’s familiar dark eyes and suddenly it occurs to him

“Hey how do you know where I live?”

“I’ve been here before when Mikey used to invite us to hang out here. You were in your basement most of the time so it’s no surprise you don’t remember me” Frank says looking a bit hurt. “Have you been drinking this whole time?” There was no point in answering that since he was still clutching the half empty bottle in his hand and that when he tried to stand up he ended up falling back on his ass.

“Man, why are you doing this to yourself?” Frank asks in disbelief.

Gerard merely shrugs looking down at the ground. “Gerard!” Frank pleads through gritted teeth.

“Because I want to! I choose to be drunk” he spits out.

Frank’s face turns pained as a shadow of the past clouds his eyes temporarily and he walks towards Gerard’s bed

“Gerard.” He starts out gently “Gee. This isn’t good. You have to stop”

‘What if I don’t want to?’ Gerard asks quietly like a child

“Because there are better ways to deal with things than drown yourself in alcohol. This is not a solution. Let me help you” Frank insists. Gerard stares at one spot on his wall for god knows how long before he cautiously get up and sits on the edge of his bed, Frank joining him on his right shortly.  

Gerard feels a mixture of butterflies, bats, his heart gets stuck in his throat and it dawns on his poisoned mind that he has to choose between Frank and alcohol. He doesn’t have to think long before answering in the same whisper “alright, I’ll try to stop then”

Gerard only notices it then that they’re sitting very close to one another and Frank’s gaze captures his attention and he can’t make himself look away. What’s so fascinating about it Gerard thinks is that it’s not just looking into one another it’s _staring._ Frank’s vision is focused only on Gerard’s eyeball seeing past his pupils and into the depths of his mind, seeing everything: every flaw, mistake, secret, even the things he doesn’t understand about himself. He gets intoxicated by his eyes and his drunken state makes him do before thinking and starts to lean in almost unconsciously. Even through his blurry and constantly moving vision it seems that Frank is doing the same very slowly. He can see it now: their lips would touch and capture a sweet and tender kiss. Just lightly touch and enjoy the moment and it would progress into a deeper, slow, passionate kiss that eventually wouldn’t be enough so it would get dirtier and end with a messy exchange of handjobs. Their faces seem a few centimeters apart when his mom knocks on the door

“Is everything alright? I heard shouting.” Gerard’s mom asks concerned. Gerard draws back immediately, takes a breath and scoots away like breaking out of hypnosis. Frank stands up, scratches his neck and says

”Yeah, I think I better be going now. So I’ll see you at work tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there” Gerard says still looking into Frank’s eyes. Frank waves him an awkward goodbye and leaves the room.

Gerard takes one good look at the unfinished bottle, remembers his promise and goes to his bathroom to spill out the rest in his toilet. After, he lays on his bed going over the moment in his head a couple million times, thinking of different outcomes or what would have happened if one or the other said that instead this and after an hour or so of imagining it falls asleep with a small smile on his face.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day Gerard wakes up in a good mood for once and can’t keep from smiling. Frank cares for him, cares enough to come over to his home and check up on him. And there was the moment, they leaned in to kiss and now he’s almost completely sure he wasn’t the only one feeling the tension and anticipation of what’s about to happen.

There’s a new skip to his walk, he hums something along ‘I’m walking on sunshine’ and even kisses his mom on the cheek goodbye and leaves trough the door before she can ask him what’s gotten into him.

Gerard doesn’t even run or hide from the photographers he unfortunately met on his first day at work. He’s feeling too good to care. The first thing he does when he enters his office is set up his music, this time he doesn’t play the regular heavy rock but puts on something more energetic and lighter so he can dance and sing along. He starts to draw enthusiastically, finishing the sketches for two projects before lunch which, he has to admit, look pretty good. 

While the elevator is going up Gerard doesn’t know what to expect. Frank greets him this time as usual that means Helen isn’t there with them. Though, he doesn’t say anything about last night, like yesterday never happened and leads him to their usual little room.

Gerard isn’t sure whether he’s glad or disappointed with Frank’s behavior. Okay, maybe he expected something, he isn’t sure what exactly but maybe a bit of a change to how they act towards one another.

Ray and Bob greet him cheerfully

“Hey, what happened yesterday? We heard you were sick” Ray says looking curious and concerned. So Frank hasn’t told them, he’s more than thankful for that.

“I just wasn’t feeling very well it’s nothing” He says shrugging it off. He _was_ feeling bad yesterday he just didn’t say how he dealt with it. Frank nods like he’s hearing it for the first time.

“Oh good! We thought you decided to quit or something” Bob says looking relieved.

“Well you were the only one who thought like that, I said he got the cold and looks as though I was right!” Ray says with a smirk on his face.

“Okay no, you were the paranoid one suggesting that, I said it might be possible for either option to be true so I was half right” Bob says pointing a finger at his friend.

“That’s not what happened! I didn’t even bring that up! It was you who started to piss your pants” Ray says defensively.

“Will you two stop? You’re bickering like an old married couple. Who the fuck cares who started it, Gerard’s back, isn’t he?” Frank says louder than the both of them, surprising everyone with his sudden outburst. Ray and Bob calm down but still continue arguing without words just using their facial expressions.

“Are you feeling better, Gerard?” Franks asks looking at him after taking a few deep breaths. Gerard realizes he’s not asking about his health

“Much better, I drank lots of tea and my mom fed me so much medication I think I’ll be healthy for the whole year” Gerard says jokingly, the younger man looks pleased with his answer.

The rest of lunch flies by with random conversations and opinions, Frank and Gerard constantly stealing glances at one another. Frank, because he feels the need to watch over his friend, and Gerard, because Frank’s outburst earlier frightened him a bit and he was being cautious. When it’s over the shorter man insists on walking Gerard to the elevator, something he never usually does. Ray and Bob are still in the tiny room arguing about fuck knows what.

Gerard is standing facing Frank, the elevator door behind him. Frank takes a step closer not seeming to care or maybe even notice that he’s invading Gerard’s personal space, and reaches behind his back to press the button. Gerard doesn’t say anything or move or blink, just takes a sharp intake of breath and tenses up as Frank’s hand brushes against his lower back accidentally.

“So really, how you holding up?” Frank asks concerned

“I’m good, I don’t plan on taking another sip of that if you don’t want me to” Gerard says looking down and dropping the last part quickly and quietly

“I don’t want you to do this for me I want you to do it for yourself” Frank says looking dead serious

“Yeah I realize that but it’s-” he swallows down, pressing his lips together “it’s an addiction. I’ll try to get over this but I don’t want to make any promises” Gerard says honestly just before stepping into the elevator.

“Well you have me for that, that’s what friends are for” Frank says smiling at him as the door closes.

Gerard’s heart sinks to his stomach. Just a bit but it still hurts. He didn’t expect them to just jump into something a bit more than friends especially with Gerard’s alcohol problem but it still makes him upset.

He doesn’t remember how he walked back to his office but now he’s staring with a blank expression at the empty piece of paper knowing he couldn’t draw right now even if his life depended on it.  He just gives up on it and turns in the previous sketches he made before lunch.

He gets back home and goes to his room immediately without even saying hi to his mom quite surprising her because of his sudden change of moods. Out of habit he opens up his safety cabinet that should be full of alcohol but it’s empty. He forgot he got rid of them yesterday when he promised Frank.

Gerard craves it and bad. It’s even worse now when he knows he can’t have it. The moment anyone’s ever told he/she can’t do something you can bet your ass they’ll do it. He doesn’t know what else to do when all of his thoughts are circling about the bitter liquid that burns his throat along with his thoughts and memories. He decides to go to bed early he can’t drink if he’s sleeping. Though, his mind steers back to Frank and keep him awake for another hour or two, over thinking everything’s that happened and coming to the conclusion that Frank is one of the most confusing people he’s ever known (right after Mikey).

He doesn’t remember when he fell asleep but the next morning isn’t any better than his last evening. Well the good news is that today is Friday and Mikey should come back this weekend.

He goes through a normal and uneventful day for a change, letting his mind relax on the drama and focus more on his work, or at least until the second half of his day.

He gets back to his office from having lunch with his friends again and turns his music up really loud to drown his thoughts and other cravings. He barely gets any work done but at least he has a good time singing, dancing and rocking out. By the end of his day he doesn’t even care what song is playing he still sings along to it like it’s his favorite.

Frank pays him an unexpected visit towards the end of the day. Knocks on the door and walks right in saying

“Hey Gerard do you want to go-“ he stops talking once he realizes that Gerard is too busy singing along to what appears to be Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” on the top of his lungs and hasn’t even noticed him coming in.

Gerard turns around and sees an open mouthed Frank staring at him and scrambles to turn the volume down on his computer and flushes red from embarrassment

 “Sorry about that.” He says uncomfortably thinking how you normally continue a conversation after someone’s seen you dance along to a pop song. “Uh, what’s up?” he asks feeling very self-conscious.

“Never mind that, come with me” Frank says seriously after a pause, grabbing Gerard’s hand and dragging him out of his office. He’s positively beaming by the time they get to the elevator

“What? Where?” Gerard asks confused

“To Bob’s” Franks says curtly, getting in the elevator and muttering under his mouth things that Gerard doesn’t understand: “yes, it was just what he was looking for. It will work. Fucking finally…” Gerard notices that Frank still has his hand in his while they stand alone in the elevator.

The door isn’t even fully open yet and Frank is already pushing Gerard out of the elevator and announcing quite loudly  

“Bob! I have found the right voice for the part!” Gerard is still confused as to what Frank is talking about.

“Frank if this is another one of your jokes you can fuck off. This isn’t funny anymore, if I don’t finish this by the end of next week I’ll get fired from that department” Bob says looking very tired and stressed

“I’m not! Look, I walked in on Gerard singing and I’m telling you he’s perfect for the commercial” Frank says feeling proud of himself “and you said music isn’t for you, I didn’t know you were this good at singing” he turns to Gerard with fake accusation.

“What, I’m not! Wait, you want me to sing for a commercial. Are you crazy?” Gerard says looking bewildered. Bob looks up from his desk looking at Gerard with interest

“Hmm… I think it could actually work. We’ll have to run through some tests and stuff but I think it would suit the commercial well. I’ll need to talk with your manager to get you this part time job” Bob says moving his papers around

“Wait wait, who said I’ll even agree to this, maybe I don’t want to” Gerard says cockily putting a hand on his hip

Bob gives him a piece of paper to Gerard. It’s a pay check and once Gerard see’s the numbers-

“So we start on Monday?” Gerard says while Frank, Bob and Ray laugh at his sudden agreement at the mention of money. Gerard can’t pass on such an opportunity. He still didn’t give up the idea of getting his own apartment so every penny counts.

“Yeah, if everything goes smoothly.  Now, since you’ve never been appointed in this department you’ll need a supervisor. I can’t take that part because I’ll be your boss or something like that so I’m appointing Frank” Bob says while writing something down on paper. Frank punches the air in victory and comes up behind Gerard putting his hand on his waist

“Looks like you’ll be my bitch for the week” he says smugly. Gerard takes his hand of his waist

“Don’t be so sure about that” Gerard answers playfully and goes to help Bob sort out his papers.

They get all the papers ready and Gerard’s manager agrees on the terms. He can’t believe it, two weeks ago he was reluctant on keeping one job and now he has two. The entire next week he’ll be working with Frank and Bob, this is going to be torture.

He spends the last few hours of work doodling mindlessly, humming some tunes wondering what will it be like to sing professionally when he hears his phone ring. He answers without checking who it is

“Hello?”

“Hey, guess who just got back” Gerard hears an excited voice at the other line

“Hey Mikes! I thought you were supposed to get back only tomorrow”

“Yeah I thought so too but change of plans. We just got home and finished unpacking so I’m free to annoy you” he exclaims with a smile

”I forgot what a little shit you can be” Gerard says chuckling “So, tell me everything about your trip”

Mikey goes on a long rant about the overpriced hotel and the too hot weather and how Alicia got stung by a jelly fish and needed to go to the hospital and that’s the reason they came back early, about the strange two men living beside them, one of them was a magician or something because he would look at you once and tell you your whole life story while the other was full of sassy comebacks. Mikey is convinced they’re a couple. Gerard listens to his stories thinking how lucky he’d be if the biggest worry in his life would be about not having enough sun cream.

Gerard tells him everything that happened to him in return. Mikey was very glad to hear Frank made him stop drinking and listened to Gerard’s doubts about Franks

“Look, you’ll just have to ask him out, I mean he wouldn’t have done any of those things if he didn’t like you” Mikey says trying to persuade him with logic

“Yeah, I think I’ll just have to pluck up the courage and do it.” Gerard says making up his mind once and for all. “I mean now it’ll be way easier. I got a part time job at the company, I’ll be helping out Bob with a commercial and Frank is my supervisor so I’ll get to see him every-“

“Wait, Frank is your supervisor? And did they say that you’ll have to be working on the 9th floor where all of the new equipment is?” Mikey asks seriously now

“Yes they did tell me. Why?” Gerard asks suspiciously

“Oh god Gerard no this is bad. First of all the people working on the 9th floor are the most homophobic pricks in the building!”

“How do you know th-?“

“Second of all if Frank is your supervisor technically you can only have a work related relationship with him, not the one you want. They could report you and both of you would lose your jobs” Mikey says burying his face in his hands.

“What? So I have to wait a whole week?!” Gerard nearly shouts, sitting up straight in his chair

The moment he decides to go for it, really go for it not just a spur of the moment decision, something just has to get in the way.  The company party is next weekend and he was hoping maybe going with Frank.

“It seems like it. If you knew how to be discreet you could keep it as a secret but yeah you’re pretty terrible at that” Mikey thinks out loud

“What are you talking about, I can be discreet” Gerard responds defensively

“Yeah sure, what about the time you tried to cheat during a test but you got so flushed and started to sweat so bad the teacher thought you had a boner and said-“

“Okay okay that’s enough, I see your point” he cuts him off embarrassed “I’ll just wait a little longer I guess”


	8. Chapter 8

They spend the weekend with Mikey, on Sunday Alicia joins them as well and they have a family dinner which is nice Gerard thinks. His mom looks really happy because they don’t have family reunions that often or at least since their dad left.

 Gerard has a hard time saying no to the expensive wine Mikey brought back from his trip. He’s been quite jumpy and nervous all weekend - Gerard’s not used to being sober. He schemes and plans sometimes of stealing one of the bottles from the table, and going to his room and having at least a sip of it but it doesn’t work like that, and somewhere in the back of his mind he knows it: he would only crave more and wouldn’t stop until the bottle is empty. Then, he would have to explain himself to Mikey, and go for his usual response that he has no will power, and end up feeling embarrassed and weak. But what if he drinks after Mikey leaves their home in the evening, just a little, just a drop to calm the beast inside of him, maybe he’d find the will to stop? Franks worried expression goes through his mind and he swallows loudly, gripping the edge of the table. Not today.

Mikey and Alicia are about to leave for the night. Gerard’s mom already said her goodbyes and busies herself in the kitchen. Gerard hugs his brother’s wife and says his fair wells. She’s still intimidating to him no matter how much she seems like the loveliest person, but Mikey loves her with all his heart so he trusts her. She leaves to start up the car and Gerard is left with his brother standing in the dimly lit porch while the October wind ruffles up their hair and crawls under their clothes and skin. He embraces his skinny and fragile frame, and says

“It’s been good seeing you even though you are a little shit and y’know thanks for helping me sort things out a bit” Gerard drops the last part a bit awkwardly

Mikey laughs, pulls back from the hug but still keeps one hand on his shoulder

“Well someone has to do the job. You’re welcome just y’know no matter how much doubt you have in yourself if you really want something or in this case someone you jump at the first chance so when the week is over and I mean the minute you finish work on Friday you ask him out cause you kids are driving me crazy”

“Yeah sure though I think I’ll do it next weekend after the company party” Gerard says confident, more to himself than to him

“Yeah but I don’t want you to wait till he does it, you have to do it first” Mikey says persistently walking towards his car

“Why do you care who asks who first?” Gerard asks suspiciously hating the fact that he’s obviously keeping something away from him.

“Anyway bro, Alicia and I will see you at the party on Friday” he says opening his car door

“You’re going too? How? How are you doing it? You don’t even work there.” Gerard asks shocked. How does his brother know so much about his company when he doesn’t even work there? Only people from the company are allowed to attend the party and neither Mikey nor Alicia work there. Sometimes it seems like he doesn’t even know him.

Mikey gives a scoff and smiles, and without another word drives away leaving Gerard on the driveway looking like a frustrated diva: arms crossed, lips pressed in a thin line and his hip jutting out.

Gerard goes back into the house unnecessarily stomping his feet like a child and goes to the kitchen to help his mom finish cleaning after their dinner.

“What’s wrong honey? Did you and Mikey have a fight?” his mom asks seriously. Gerard puts on a fake pout and answers childishly

“Mikey has a secret that he won’t share” his mom laughs and ruffles his hair in response. Gerard always becomes more alive and happy when his brother is around. They were inseparable.

“How’s it going with the boy you like from work?” his mom asks suddenly looking like it just popped into her head though that’s all she could think about from the night Frank came over

“We’ll see. I plan to ask him out next weekend”

“Oh finally, you should have done that way earlier in my opinion, but why next weekend, why not tomorrow?”

“I have a part time job now in another department where I’ll get to sing for a commercial, and he’s my supervisor so I can’t be dating him because of the whole policy” he explained gesturing with his hands

“Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. I mean I’m proud of you that managed to get another job but the policy must be driving you crazy. Don’t worry this week will fly by in no time and you’ll have your answers” she says trying to comfort him.

Gerard gives half a smile though he highly doubts that it will go easy and fast. It’s like a Murphy’s Law or something Gerard thinks: when you want something to be over quick it seems like a lifetime but when you want to make something last it’s gone in a second.

So he tries tricking his brain into thinking that he wants this weekend to be as long as possible, that he dreads asking him out or wants the signing part to be as long and as enjoyable as possible, but no matter how much tries, he still ends up going to bed early so that the next day would come sooner.

He wakes up to Metallica’s whiskey in a jar and tumbles out of bed still barely keeping his eyes open and somehow makes his way to the shower tripping over his own furniture and his own feet a couple of times. Gerard picks up the first clothes he can find that aren’t too dirty and goes upstairs for his usual morning coffee. His mom is already gone but she left sandwiches on the table. A sleepy smile spreads through his face at his mom’s thoughtfulness as he sits down to eat.

Gerard ruined his car almost a year back at a drunken accident, he got out alright but the car was pretty wrecked and he didn’t have the money to repair it. That was the first time Mikey had a serious talk with him about his drinking. So he usually takes a bus, but the company is only 15 minutes away so Gerard walks there and lets the chilly breeze fully wake him up.

He underestimated the weather and hides half of his face in his scarf burying his hands deep in his pockets. The air conditioning in the building is always a nice surprise he thinks as he enters through the big spinning doors and stops, his muscles relaxing as his body warms up. He takes a deep breath preparing for whatever might happen today.

He picks the elevator with the least people, quickly presses the 9th floor button and leans against the metal wall while the annoying elevator music and the mindless chatter fills his ears making him grind his teeth.

When he reaches his floor he’s already alone in the elevator. Gerard steps out cautiously, looking around the new room. It reminds him a lot of where Frank works but it’s much bigger, almost as big as the lobby and he can see that the equipment laying around is in better shape and looks much more expensive. Another thing Gerard notices, unlike on the 5th floor where only Bob, Ray and Frank work, here they have a crew of at least 20 people all doing something important well… everyone except for Frank who seems to be bored out of his mind while listening to some big, masculine guy with blond hair explain something to him.

Frank spots him just in time, when Gerard starts to awkwardly walk around the studio not knowing where to go or who to talk to. Frank’s head jerks up and a tired smile spreads through his face and he motions with his hand to come join him at the end of the room. Gerard walks fast to him and says with a bright voice

“Hey! What’s up?”

“Waiting for you to show up so I can make you my puppet ‘cause besides that I have no business being here” Frank says making string puppet gestures with his hands

“I thought you’re only supposed to supervise me so I wouldn’t set the place on fire or something” Gerard says tilting his head to the side

“Yeah sure, keep telling yourself that.” Frank says nodding and turns to the jock like blond guy “So first things first uh this is Eric and he’s the one who’ll be running you through some tests to see if you’ll fit for the commercial.” He says unexcitedly, it seems that they don’t get along that well.

Eric turns to him and smiles showing off a perfect unnaturally white set of teeth. He extends his hand for Gerard which he takes uncertainly

“Hi you must be Gerard. Well as Frank said we’re going to go through some tests today like singing exercises and stuff so follow me we’re going to a separate room from all this noise” he says brightly keeping the smile on his face like there might be a camera around and he needs to look good from every viewpoint. He even seems like he’s from TV: everything presented so perfectly and yet it’s the most fake thing Gerard’s ever seen.

Frank gets up from his seat as well going after Eric but he turns to him and puts a hand on his shoulder softly pushing him down back to his chair

“Oh there’s no need for you to go too Frank I’ve got this plus the room is small and it might distract Gerard. In the mean time you could go through some of the sport magazines I have in here, you really need to learn” he says apologetically. Frank looks like he’s on a verge of protesting loudly but he just puts a fake smile on his face and says a quiet “sure” but shooting Eric dirty looks as soon as he turns away from him.

Gerard silently laughs at Frank’s reaction and follows Eric into a smaller room which reminds him a bit of those interrogation rooms they show on cop shows on TV though there’s a set of keyboards and a couple of guitars there. Gerard’s not sure whether he’s happy that Frank isn’t here or not. From one side he could really use his presence and support because he doesn’t like being alone around new people it makes him nervous but Eric was right, it would be a distraction for him.

He pushes that debate out of his mind because it would require more time for him to figure it out and watches Eric set up his papers. Gerard, not knowing what to do in the mean time, just rocks back and forth on his heels. Eric tries to make small talk

“So Gerard, you don’t seem like a loser like Frank and probably watched the game last night, which team do you favor?”

It’s surprising how one sentence can make you go from being interested to hating someone’s gut with passion. His amused smile disappears, muscles tense and fists clench. Gerard fights the urge to punch him in the stomach where if you hit hard enough into a certain spot he could suffocate. Eric seems like the typical jock from high school that used to push him around all the time. Gerard wonders how he even managed to get a job like this

“No, I didn’t watch the game I don’t really like sports” he answers after a pause where he composed himself

“Really? What do you do then on Saturday or Sunday evenings?” Eric asks incredulously with slight irony in his voice, his smile finally dropping from his face “God you art department guys are weird” he adds with a disgusted expression.

“I came here to work, not to make friends with you, so it’s none of your business what I do on the weekend” Gerard says quickly with authority he didn’t know he had. The inner teenager fights for the chance to spit back something like “I usually pick up guys who look as cheap as you, get them drunk and fuck their brains out in some alley ‘cause they can’t offer the world anything more than a tight ass” he maintains his control _it’s my first day at this job the pay is really good and I need the money if I want to make my mom’s life easier don’t fuck this up_ he reminds himself.

Eric’s annoyingly bright smile is back

“Hey it’s fine. It’s fine” he says raising his hands in defense. Then gets up and slowly advances towards Gerard and stands just a bit too close to him.

Gerard raises his chin up to show that he can’t be pushed around but Eric towers him and looks down at him like he’s no more than just a piece of meat. They’re the only people in this tiny room that’s also soundproof - Eric could beat him up no sweat. Gerard has to remind himself that this isn’t high school anymore. They’re mature, responsible adults now.

“Just a friendly warning: I don’t know how you guys do it down there but here I’m in charge and I advise you to watch your mouth around me ‘cause I can get you in a whole lot of trouble” he says threatening him and snapping his fingers at the last word.

Yup, Gerard wishes Frank would be here with him. He stares at Eric like a frightened bunny afraid to utter a single word and frozen into place

“So I suggest you and your loser friend act nicely and try not pissing me off so we get this job done. Understood?” he says slowly like explaining something to a 5 year old while raising his eyebrows. Since this time he’s actually expecting an answer Gerard gives a shaky nod.

“Good. Now that we’ve got that cleared up we’re going to go through some simple singing exercises to get you warmed up” he says trying to sound friendly again and bringing his smile back on his face which is the most creepiest thing Gerard’s ever seen.

He goes and sits behind the keyboards setting up his notes and motioning for Gerard to come closer to him. It takes a few moments for Gerard to remember how to move and even then his movements are shaky and slow. Though his voice is stronger than he expected, Gerard surprises himself at how high he can sing when the last time he truly sang was in elementary school. Though he avoids looking Eric in the eye and there’s still the awful fear and tension between them that’s making Gerard uneasy. Eric just looks like nothing happened and continues acting creepily happy until some guy comes in and announces its lunch break time.

They exit the room in silence, Gerard finds Frank and walks towards him as fast as he can without running while Eric and what seems like everyone else on the floor go to a separate room.

“So? How did it go?” Frank asks carefully eyeing Gerard’s terrified expression

“It was good though I don’t get along with Eric all that well” he answers and hears his voice echo in the large room

“Yeah I know what you mean, that guy is a douche, he keeps trying to get me into sports. What did he say to you?’ Frank says with a scoff and taking the last pizza box that was probably left for them on the table. It does feel like high school: all the kids ignoring or bullying the outcasts who are different or don’t fit the usual teenage stereotype and from the looks of it Frank is used to it too.

“Yeah he called me a loser for not being into sports that much too, and then threatened that he’ll get me fired if I try to stand up for myself again” Gerard says it casually like he’s talking about the weather so he definitely wasn’t expecting Frank suddenly jumping out of his seat and marching towards the other room where a lot of voices can be heard laughing. Gerard manages to stop him halfway

“Hey! Whoa stop! What are you doing?” Gerard asks trying to keep from shouting to not attract attention from Eric and the other jock- workers here. He’s holding his right arm but soon he has to hold both of them down because Frank is still fidgeting and fighting his way towards the room, and he’s way stronger that he looks.

“Frank calm down! What’s wrong?” Gerard asks desperately turning him around so he could look at him. Frank’s face was pure rage, nostrils flaring, cheeks growing red from the heat.

“They can’t do that to you! They can’t treat you like this! You’re the main… I need to talk to that fucker ‘cause… those fucking assholes…” Frank flails around not being able to form his own sentences properly and breathing heavily. Gerard still holds him close griping his arms maybe a little too tight and speaking calmly

“Hey, hey look at me. Calm down. It’s not that big a deal” it was a big deal. “I was being a smartass, I was basically asking for it.” no he wasn’t. “Please don’t say anything to them, let’s just finish this job and never go back here okay?” Gerard says looking worriedly into Frank’s eyes

He takes a moment having an inner debate and finally taking a deep breath and accepting

“Okay fine”

Even in that moment there’s still a small part of his brain that acknowledges the fact they’re standing very close to one another and Gerard is basically holding Frank in his arms. He doesn’t know whether he should let go of him or keep and enjoy the moment for as long as possible while it’s still there. He holds on for a few more moments until Frank’s face somewhat relaxes

“Well c’mon then, that pizza isn’t going to eat itself” he says leading his friend back to the table. Frank shares a tiny smile

“I guess you’re right though that would be interesting” he says with a thoughtful face “could you just imagine the picture?”

Gerard’s heart beats in excitement

“Yes! I know exactly what you mean!”

They spend the rest of their lunch talking about mutant cannibal pizzas and it’s so much fun, Gerard doesn’t remember the last time or if there was even a time he was this comfortable being with someone apart from his brother, sharing a similar mind, interests, just joking around like they’ve known each other forever and fit just right with each other.

Eric and the other workers come out of the room and he goes to Gerard announcing

“Since the tests we did were not completely awful and everything seems to be half decent we’ll go through some possible lyrics Bob has come up with and see which one suits best. Frank, we’ll need you on this one.” And Eric goes into the room to set up his things again.

Gerard finds his bag he left on Frank’s chair when he first came here and brings out his notebook to write the possible lyrics down. Though the notebook has become almost like a sketch book for him where he would doodle once in a while when he got bored and that happened to have a lot of drawings of Frank recently. He flips through it quickly looking if he has any free space left

“What’s that?” Frank asks silently creeping up behind him like a ninja which startles Gerard and he jumps a little

“Uh nothing, it’s just my notebook”

“No it’s not, I saw drawings in there. Let me see! I haven’t seen your art yet” Frank says trying to get his hand on the book. Gerard panics a little, turns around and clutches it like the notebook is his one and only life support.

“No, it’s just doodles. I’ll show you my drawings some other time” he says trying to get away but it’s too late Frank literally ripped it out of his hands and walked away with it. Gerard runs after him and they chase one another around the room like a couple of kindergartener’s. Frank keeps giggling like a maniac and saying ‘dance my puppet dance!’ while Gerard shouts after him. Eventually he manages to corner the younger man trapping him in between a wall and a table.

“Frank this isn’t funny anymore, give it back” he says almost angrily

“Why do you not want me to look at it so bad? What are you hiding in there?” Frank asks smirking and raising an eyebrow. Fucking Sherlock Holmes, Gerard doesn’t know whether he’s glad he’s so smart or not.

“Nothing! It’s just my notebook, give it to me please, I don’t like it when people go through my things” he tries the trick that usually softens people and makes them give up

“I don’t believe you” Frank says that devious smirk still on his face. Gerard’s face drops in surprise so he decides to stop acting and takes a step forward and standing nearly chest to chest with Frank.

“I said, give it back” Gerard says slowly throwing him an intense, fixed and threatening gaze. Both of their breathings grow faster and louder along with the tension between them. Frank’s smirk stays and he locks his eyes with him, taunting him.

“Make me” he breathes doing a quick nod challenging him. Oh how Gerard loves challenges, it’s the thing that keeps him interested in a person, the challenges, the winnings, the mysteries. If the person can keep him wondering he’ll definitely stick around longer.

The notebook is behind Frank’s back and Gerard reaches behind taking hold of it but having trouble taking it from Frank’s firm grasp so he huddles even closer now completely against him, both hands trying to get his possession back. They both stare at each other with their chins up, both too stubborn to let go and feeling the heat between them rise with every breath. If there would be one thing Gerard could choose to look at for the rest of his life it would be Frank’s eyes, he wouldn’t get bored of them, he feels he’s getting addicted to them more every day.

Gerard tries to unlock his fingers one by one from the book, but it’s hard concentrating when he’s staring intently at him and when he’s squirming against him trying to get away and Gerard can feel him gently and unintentionally rubbing against his crotch. He manages to unlock his fingers and retrieves his notebook but none of them attempt to break away and continue staring at one another.

 He can feel Frank’s hot breath linger on his face and his perfectly shaped dark hazel eyes so full of energy and mystery that leaves Gerard wondering and wanting to stare more, maybe if he stares long enough he’ll see all the answers. He starts to press himself more against the shorter man without realizing it, his mind turned off only instinct left to guide him. He completely forgets where he’s at or what he’s supposed to be doing all that matters to him now is if he can make Frank sweet breathing through his mouth turn into moans and how it would sound coming from him.

Eric peeks out of the room and notices them huddled together in the corner of the room, staring at one another. The situation disgusted him, this is not the way friends are supposed to act

“Will you two stop acting like a couple of fags and get in here already, we have work to do”

They break away hesitantly in the mean time Gerard’s brain kicks back in action and he mentally slaps himself for letting it go that far, for risking his job _again_ while Frank gets angry, his right arm shaking. They head towards the room and Gerard grabs and steadies Franks trembling hand and whispers

“Calm down, causing a scene wouldn’t do us either any good. Just… ignore the jerk” Frank gives him a reassuring nod though the frustration is still evident on his face. Gerard heaves a sigh and enters through the door.

The rest of the afternoon is uneventful. Frank and Gerard stay away from each other, sometimes sharing a look or two but nothing more. Frank stays angry at Eric the whole day, shooting him nasty looks folding his arms and answering in short bitter sentences. After they’re done picking out the 3 most accurate lyrics for some mobile connection commercial Frank heads straight back to his floor only waving Gerard a goodbye and disappearing quickly. He doesn’t blame him, it must have been hell for him and his patience was wearing thin.

Gerard goes back home feeling very tired though happy as he enters through the old creaking front door leaving his shoes and jacket in the closet. He finds dinner made earlier by his mom who’s at work and stops and looks at the familiar cabinet above the sink next to the plate cabinet where all the alcohol is. He didn’t get rid of those, he only emptied his own personal stash, this is mostly his moms. She saves them for when guests come over and such. Now he stares intently at it feeling the beast inside of him roar and command him to move forward and open it. To take only one bottle, one simple bottle of wine that’s all, it wouldn’t do him much harm. He’s been clean for almost a week, he deserves a reward, doesn’t he?

Gerard snaps out of it marching quickly to his basement door and shutting it behind him leaving the cabinet and his desires on the other side of the door.  He sighs heavily and goes down the stairs and decides to call Mikey to take his mind off of it. He answers after the 3rd ring

“Hey what’s up?” Mikey says brightly. Gerard leaves out the actual reason he’s calling him and says

“Just bored. This first day was weird, I mean it’s all so different there and the people are strange” Gerard doesn’t need to say what he’s talking about because Mikey always catches up

“Told you. Watch out with those guys Gee, they may seem friendly but they’re just creeps beneath those smiles” his brother says surprising Gerard once again by knowing so much or actually _exactly_ the same things Gerard encountered today though he just drops it, he decides that most likely he doesn’t want to know.

“Yeah I know. It’s so difficult being around Frank, I just don’t get what’s going on in his mind. Why can’t this crush just go away already” he says more to himself than to his brother

“Don’t mean to burst your bubble there bro but I’m pretty sure you’re in love”

“What? No, no, no, _no_. I’m _not_. Don’t be ridiculous. This is just a simple crush I’m attracted to him that’s all. That’s just crazy. _No. no_ ” Gerard says quickly, saying the last ‘no’s’ mostly trying to convince himself because that can’t be true. It’s only been 3 weeks. “If I was in love don’t you think I would know it and feel it myself?”

“I’ll leave it there and let you figure out for yourself though you know I’m going to be right in the end.” He says and Gerard can hear the tiny smile at the end

“Oh shut up, you’re not always right” he answers a bit frustrated

“Yeah okay well I gotta go now. We’re going to an animal shelter Alicia really wants another cat”

Gerard says his goodbyes and throws the phone somewhere on the bed taking his face in his hands _‘_ no, I’m not in love. Of course not. A person can’t fall in love in this short amount of time no matter how beautiful, cute, funny and awesome the other person is, it just can’t _.’_ He says to himself, alright maybe saying some of things out loud trying to block out and silence the tiny voice in the back of his mind that thinks differently.


	9. Chapter 9

Tuesday Gerard comes up to his floor expecting to see a sulking Frank and Eric lurking nearby but instead his eyes fall upon Bob talking to Frank and his morning gets a whole lot better. Gerard gives a sigh of relief as he approaches them

“Hey, Bob why weren’t you here yesterday?” he asks curiously. He asked Frank the same question yesterday but he didn’t know either.

“I had to go out of town for a bit, needed to help out a friend. Sorry you had to endure Eric but from now on I’m in charge of the project” he says proudly standing up a bit straighter. Even though Bob has this tough, mean guy exterior built up on the outside which probably has helped him a lot of times to get out of trouble on the inside he’s the most genuine, unselfish guy Gerard’s ever met.

It’s all so new for him, so different from anything he’s ever done. He has an interesting job and people he enjoys talking to and not once did he have to force himself into a conversation, he’s still not quite used to it. For a man who spent a lot of his time alone, building walls to keep other people away, convincing himself he’d be better on his own, all of this is overwhelming. He never thought he can fit in so easily and feel this confident with others. It’s too good to be true.

“Well thank god, I couldn’t stand the guy. So what are we doing today?” he asks eagerly. He didn’t realize how much he actually missed it until he opened his mouth and let his voice do the magic. It’s completely different from the home-alone-and-loud-music type of singing. It made him feel alive and filled with this energy coming from within and radiating all over him when he reaches a high note. Gerard always thought that art and drawing was his one and only path, the one thing he enjoyed doing and was good at, he didn’t give that much thought about music. Of course he admired it and knew a whole lot about it but that was the end of it. He could never imagine himself as a musician or much less a singer.

“We need to completely decide on the lyrics and if we’re lucky start doing some actual recording” Bob says clasping his hands together and heading towards the interrogation room.

Gerard and Frank look at each other for a split second before following him. An amused smile appears on Frank’s face that leaves Gerard confused

“What? What’s so funny?” he asks raising an eyebrow

“Nothing” the other man answers still barely containing his smile. The curiosity boils up in Gerard. He hates secrets.

“No, it’s not. C’mon tell me” Gerard says a bit louder than he intended attracting a couple of stares from the other people nearby. Frank stops right outside the room already putting a hand on the door handle racking his brain for the right words to use

“You look so excited about all this when most people dread the recording part. It’s like you’re a kid on Christmas morning.” He says all the while smiling. Gerard smiles back a bit embarrassed and enters through the door where Bob is already waiting for them.

All of them have a hard time deciding on the lyrics, Bob and Frank almost get in a fight trying to prove whose idea was better so Gerard has to come in and break them up. It didn’t matter that Frank was comically ignoring his friend by not looking at him and turning his nose up every time he tried to speak with him, it was still better than yesterday. 

After they had their lunch and Frank had calmed down they finally picked the lyrics and started to make the music match. Gerard sat on the chair near the keyboards feeling useless as his friends were huddled near the computer discussing and coming up with new things to add to it. Gerard spends his time studying Frank’s face, little features, his movements and finds himself intoxicated by the way he moves and talks.

Gerard couldn’t help and overhear the things they were talking about and discussing and a wild idea hits him. He ponders it in his head for a bit: he fears that what seems a good idea to him, may seem foolish or irrational to the people who are in this business. Nonetheless he still speaks up

 “Hey I know I’m not an expert in these things but can I just drop a suggestion?” he says interrupting Bob. They both stop talking and stare at Gerard for a moment before Frank nods slowly

“Well as you guys said even though it’s a mobile connection commercial it’s still directed to young people as most of them use it, so I thought that instead of those usual pop jingles that get stuck in your head and drive you nuts we’d aim for something heavier, like guitars and bass and a bit of punk rock so it would stand out amongst the other ones and maybe actually capture people’s attention” Gerard says his thoughts quickly in one breath letting all the things that piled up in his head in the last 15min. spill. Though his previous confidence all but fades when he sees both of his friends staring at him with unreadable expressions.

“Or not, you know… It’s just an idea. You know what forget I said anything” he says waving his hand quickly feeling like he made a fool out of himself and starts going back to his seat across the room where they can’t look at him without straining their necks.

“Actually… that’s a genius idea” Bob says every word slowly looking into space and suddenly jumps to his feet and sprints out the room. 

Gerard stares at the door that swung back and shut itself not quite understanding what happened

“What was that all about?” he asks Frank but he’s muttering something under his breath looking deep in thought.

“I’m sorry, what?” he asks snapping out of it at the sound of Gerard’s voice.

“Why did Bob just run out?” Gerard asks again.

“He probably went to the advertisers to try and make your idea work ‘cause we can’t just create what we want, we’re still following other peoples orders” Frank says quickly waving his hand away still looking at the ground and humming an unfamiliar tune. Gerard doesn’t know what to do again, he wishes he hadn’t opened his big mouth

“You know it’s just a stupid idea, the jingles are good too and-“

“Stupid idea? Gerard, it’s awesome, it’s perfect and everything you said is true, it would attract people’s attention and me and Bob are much better at making rock tunes than jingles so just shut up about it. It’s great.” Frank says quickly interrupting Gerard and goes back to staring at the ground looking like he’s trying to solve a difficult math problem.

Gerard smiles but doesn’t say anything more, Frank looks pretty deep in thought. Bob comes back after a few minutes breathing heavily like he ran up the stairs rather than use the elevator. He tries to say something but he’s too out of breath to form words so he just shows Frank a thumbs up and sits on his chair.

“Geez Bob you didn’t have to run, this isn’t a marathon” Frank says finally taking in the state of his friend.

“I should really quit smoking” he says calming down a bit but still panting “Oh who am I kidding, screw breathing”

They abandon all the previous work they had done and continue everything from the start, all they leave are the lyrics because they don’t have enough time to come up with new ones. Gerard joins them in the process this time, not because he wanted to but mostly because Bob made him.

By the end of the day they had a couple of versions to it, all it needs now is the approval of Bob’s boss and they should start recording tomorrow.

Gerard goes back home feeling good about himself. He actually contributed and helped out a lot in an area he doesn’t know that well. He doesn’t even stop to look at the cabinet today. Apparently the good mood gives him more will power. Though, when he enters his room the conversation he had with Mikey yesterday and the day that Frank came by because he was worried enter his thoughts. No. He won’t spend his evening over thinking everything, he won’t ruin his mood. He’ll find everything out when the time comes. However his thoughts don’t leave him alone, no matter how hard he tries he can’t shut the door behind it. So he tries to force it shut and turns on the TV.

Gerard doesn’t know how he got to watching a documentary about planets from our solar system. He closes his eyes and gets to a stage where he’s already dreaming but is also aware of every word that comes out of his TV.

If he actually were in love this is how it would feel like: he’s one of many asteroids just floating around in space, minding his own business, occasionally saying hi to one planet or the other but never staying in one place for too long, his life moves on, floating through the emptiness of space, living most of his days in the dark. But suddenly he reaches an incredibly bright and unique planet, one he’s never seen before. It’s the first time he’s ever seen such intense light or felt energy as strong as this ones. He comes closer wanting to take a better look at it and floats around it for some time taking in all the beauty. After a while he decides it’s time to go, move on now for he was starting to get blinded and missed the coolness of the dark, but realizes he can’t break away from the planets gravitation. It’s too strong and he’s too little and fragile to break free. When he accepts the fact that he won’t ever break away from it, not without shattering into a million pieces he starts building up and sooner or later becomes declared another moon of the planet, and the planet itself is unfazed, not even noticing the pieces of rock around it.

Gerard wakes up with a jump start, the image of the planets circling around the sun still stuck in his head making his head spin. The clock says it’s still an hour till he has to get up and go to work but instead of going back to sleep he gets up and slowly starts getting ready. He gives his mom a surprise by having breakfast the same time she does. They discuss Gerard’s new job while she shares some of her own troubles at work. He hasn’t’ told her that he plans to move out yet. He figures when he’ll save up at least half the money and decide which apartment to take then he’ll tell her.

Work gets more exciting for Gerard that day, all day they record and Gerard gets to sing. He doesn’t care that it’s a half minute tune he still enjoys every second of it. Nothing strange happens that day except during lunch when Gerard almost spilled his drink all over himself because Frank leaned over to get a slice of pizza and put a hand on his knee for support and perhaps unintentionally slid his hand up slightly higher up his leg making Gerard tense up. Though, the shorter man seemed unaware of his slight discomfort as he ravished his share of the pizza.

It’s said that time flies when you’re having fun. Gerard barely had time to turn around and it was Friday already. They were done with the recording, some final editing was needed and that’s it, Gerard can go back to his boring floor with his art assignments.

“Hey so you’re going to the party?” Frank asks by the end of the day. They were already in the lobby which is being decorated in balloons and more flowers by workers, food already set on the table. _This company takes their parties very seriously_ Gerard thinks as he looks around.

“Yeah, I guess” he answers uncertainly

“Cool so do you want me to pick you up?” Frank asks. His voice shakes a bit but it’s probably just the cold lobby Gerard thinks.

“Uh I was going to walk but yeah okay” Gerard answers going over his wardrobe in his head. They’re already out in the cold street, the sky’s getting dark.

“Awesome, so I’ll pick you up at 8 in a couple of hours” Frank says walking to the direction of his home slowly. Gerard doesn’t give it much thought, says “sure” and walks back home himself.

His mom is already home eating dinner in front of the living room TV

“Hey honey! I made lasagna, you want some?” she asked loudly over a talk show.

“No thanks, gotta get ready for the party in a few hours” he says stepping briefly into the living room.

“Oh you better wear a warm jacket, it’s cold outside” she says motherly

“Frank’s picking me up so I’ll just take my regular one.” Gerard says starting to walk to his own room when a thought runs through his head making him doubt and he says it out loud “I just don’t understand why he’s picking me up. I mean he lives all the way downtown he has to make a pretty long trip to get to me and then the company”

His mom starts to laugh quietly

“Gerard, I think you’re going on a date” she says through her giggles.

“What? No. If it were a date I think I’d know. Besides, he’s just being polite, it’s what he does-“ suddenly he falls quiet and thinks through what he just said and tries to remember a time when Frank wasn’t acting like a little asshole. His face clears up and he draws in a deep breath

“Shit. It _is_ a date”


	10. Chapter 10

Gerard’s pacing around the hallway checking the time every few seconds. He got ready in record time and he doesn’t want to keep looking in the mirror, he knows he’ll still be disappointed by what he sees and will end up making himself look even worse. He’s still not quite sure if this is a date or not, maybe he should ask Frank? Yeah, that’d be a good idea. Gerard doesn’t want to end up making a fool out of himself because of a misunderstanding _again._ It’s still 5 minutes till Frank should arrive. Gerard goes over in his head how to subtly ask him if this is a date without sounding like an idiot so when the door bell rings he jumps a little.

He goes over and opens the door without any hesitation. Frank looks slightly taken aback at the door being flung open and looks as though he was about to say something but closes his mouth, raises his eyebrows in surprise and quickly looks Gerard up and down.

‘Wow, you look good. So we ready to go?’ he says offering a smile. Frank himself looks just as good, with a black shirt, leather jacket, darker jeans and his hair evened out. Gerard gives a shy smile

‘Thanks, you too. Yeah I’m all set’ he says following him out the house and his mom was right, it is cold. The sky is almost completely dark and the wind is strong messing up Gerard’s hair which he spent at least 30min on.  Frank’s car is warm and smells strongly of cigarettes, which relaxes Gerard’s nerves as he sinks in to the seat.

Frank starts up the engine and decides to break the ice himself

“I saw lasagna there on the table. I didn’t know you could cook” he says amused.

“No, I’m a terrible cook actually, my mom made it, you met her didn’t you?” he answers with a laugh. The most he can make himself is pancakes if he doesn’t burn them.

“Oh yeah, she seemed like a nice lady” he nods and squints his eyes a bit like he’s trying to remember

“Yeah well she gets a little crazy sometimes too. She’s convinced you’re taking me as your date” Gerard says trying to point out how ridiculous that is and bring Frank on the subject and immediately wants to palm his face because that was not subtle, not subtle at all.

“Nah, I mean if I’d take you out on a date I’d take you somewhere nice and quiet not a crowded company party with homophobes that make you feel uncomfortable and get on your nerves.” Frank wonders out loud with a thoughtful look on his face and offering a small smile that brings the knots back into Gerard’s stomach. He stares at the road trying to think through what he just heard. Alright, this answers _nothing_. He notices a couple of CD’s and one of them catches his eye and distracts him from his thoughts. He picks one of them up, turning the black flag CD in his fingers, taking notice of the great condition it’s in considering it’s an old album

“You’re a fan of black flag? Awesome!” he smiles unwillingly

Frank smiles wide before answering “Yeah, I love their music. It’s been a while since I listened to them though.”

“Well can I put this on then?” Gerard asks jumping at the opportunity. Frank gives and enthusiastic “Sure!” and he puts it on turning up the volume just a bit too loud. He glances over seeing Frank completely into the song, singing along to the lyrics and tapping the rhythm with his fingers on the wheel.

Gerard’s mind starts to wander again as he tries to understand what’s going on. Either way the biggest debate is whether he should make a move now or wait till tomorrow like he originally planned. No, he’ll stick with the plan and wait till Saturday.

They get to the company pretty quick, in two songs. The lobby is as always packed with people just this time there are twice as more than there usually are in the morning. So many people you can’t even see the elevators. Gerard can see drinks and snacks being carried around, light jazz music playing in the background it seems like one of those really fancy parties that the government or royalty have, which makes him feel good about himself now that he thinks of it. He straightens his jacket and his posture before entering the building.

They get checked for their ID’s and the second they step into the giant room a waiter who uses way too much hair gel for anyone’s good appears out of nowhere with a shiny tray full of drinks in his hand offering them a glass each. Gerard politely refuses the drink and Frank does the same quickly afterwards. Gerard smiles fondly when Frank isn’t looking

“Just because I’m not drinking doesn’t mean you can’t have any fun. C’mon I don’t mind it if you drink” Gerard says feeling guilty

“Hey I know it’s tough for you and I don’t want to make this even worse. Plus it’s better for the people around me if I stay sober” he adds with a laugh.

Gerard’s heart swells up at his consideration and he doesn’t say anything more. They wander through the crowd searching for their friends and bump into Mikey and Alicia by the snacks table on accident. Frank and Mikey talk for a bit catching up on what’s new and when Frank turns to talk to Mikey’s wife the brothers turn to each other.

The younger one raises his eyebrows and looks back and forth between Gerard and Frank _have you asked him out yet?_ Gerard just shakes his head tapping at his watch _not the right time_. Mikey gives an understanding nod and a thumbs up.

The four of them continue standing there for a while until Ray’s giant hair pops out of nowhere with Bob tagging along.

“Hey! There are you guys! We’ve been searching for you for ages now” Ray says relieved looking like he’s about to break a sweat.

“See! I told you they’d be near the snacks table.” Bob says hitting Ray on the arm slightly. “You just didn’t want to listen to me” Bob mumbles under his breath. Ray ignores his friend and grabs Frank by the elbow and drags him out of their circle saying

“C’mon Frank we need to talk about something, we’ll bring you back soon don’t worry” Frank looks very confused but doesn’t protest much. Actually, all of them look confused except for Mikey who looks very pissed and keeps muttering under his breath “that’s not fair.”

Frank gets pulled out and Gerard loses the sight of him in the mass of people. Gerard starts talking to Alicia making small talk about the cat they bought but soon finds himself bored with the conversation so he excuses himself and tries to find Frank just so he would have something to do. As he’s fighting his way through the mass of people which strongly resembled a crowd at a concert he thinks, only there’s a dress code and they’re not screaming at him. A strong arm comes out of nowhere stops him and turns him around. His manager is standing there with a big smile on his face, half empty drink in his hand his cheeks already flush

“Gerard! So good to see you here!” the fat man says pushing him forcibly into his own circle of people. There are 5 of them and all of them look older than 40. The blond lady with a black dress and bright expensive pearls around her neck is standing the closest. Gerard guesses it’s his manager’s wife. He smiles uncomfortably thinking of how to avoid this while his manager puts a hand on his shoulders making his knees bend a bit and says quite loudly

“This is the fresh meat in our department and I swear this kid’s a genius! The way he draws I’ve never seen anything like it! Where did you learn it all from? And not even two weeks into his new job he gets another one in the record department. Talk about talent here!” he says proudly like he’s talking about his own son and ruffles his hair “and it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me. There were a lot of applicants for the job and I chose this one because I knew he was something special, I’m good like that with people I can see what’s best for them” he points out knowingly, rubbing it into the guest’s faces.

Gerard is disgusted by such selfish self-centered people but he just grits his teeth in fear that he’s going to say something he’ll regret.  That hypocritical bastard never said that he liked his work he would just nod as he brought them in at the end of the day and that’s it and suddenly he’s taking all the credit?

“C’mon Gerard, have a drink with us, hey hey! Bartender! Another one for the artist here please!” he says motioning for the bartender.

 _No no no_ “No thank you I think I’ll pass on the drink” he says as politely as possible.

“Nonsense! What sort of party is without some champagne! I insist!” His manager says practically shoving the glass into his hand.

“I really can’t I’m-“ he stops speaking as his other senses kick in. the smell of alcohol everywhere around the circle, the way the cool glass feels in his hand and the bubbling liquid splashing around. Somehow it was easier to refuse when Frank was around. One little glass of champagne wouldn’t hurt anyone and the man is right, this is a party. He’s gone so long already without a drink he’ll be able to say no. Gerard finds himself raising the glass to his lips. _Just a drop. Just a little. NO!_ He shoves the glass back to his manager

“I have to go use the bathroom, excuse me” he says flustered making his way to one of the nearest bathrooms and hears his managers loud voice say “yes well prostate problems occur to young people more and more often, but me, I never had-“ his voice mingles with the many others around Gerard. He can feel sweat forming on his forehead his breathing growing quicker and senses sharpen, there’s not enough air around him, he feels likes he’s going to suffocate. He barges into the bathroom glad to find it empty and runs up to the sink. He splashes his face as much as he can without ruining his makeup and takes one, two… five deep breaths until he’s gained some control back and stopped shaking, and rests his forehead against the cold mirror without opening his eyes for a few minutes. After he feels half decent again he steps back and focuses on why he left his friends in the first place, he wants to find Frank.

As soon as the thought ran through his head though, Frank barged in the bathroom. Frank spotted Gerard stared at him for a few moments before muttering something to himself and started to pace around the bathroom looking even more distressed than before.

“Frank what’s wrong?” he asks automatically, worry swelling up in his chest. He doesn’t care that he’s the one who needs help at the moment, his health and feelings are at the bottom of the list. Right now his priority is Frank. As long as he’s alright Gerard will be alright.

The small voice at the back of his back stirs restlessly trying to bring the ‘L’ word to his mind but no. Now’s definitely not the time.

“I can’t take it- but what if they’re right- I don’t know what to do I-“  he mutters mostly to himself all the while pacing.

“Frank, will you please tell me what it is” he tries to ask calmly though his insides are shaking.

“Fuck it, I can’t take it anymore” he says one sentence properly and Gerard can’t decide whether he looks determined or angry. Frank lifts up his head and for the first time since coming in the bathroom fully makes eye contact with Gerard. Frank’s face softens a bit as he starts pacing again but this time in Gerard’s direction. As he’s getting closer Gerard asks

“Can’t take wh-“ though his question is silenced by Frank’s lips slamming into his with a strong force that makes Gerard back up a few steps. It takes a few seconds for him to get over the shock and then he’s kissing back, with everything he has. His mind shut down completely and became one big jumble of _Frank_ everywhere. Frank feeling Gerard’s lips start to move against his, slides one hand up in his hair pulling at it a little and the other on his hips pulling their bodies completely against each other. Their mouths open almost at the same time letting each other in to explore their mouths. It’s messy and dirty, but it’s _so good_ , they’re pressed against one another so much it’s getting hard to breathe but Gerard still wants more, he wants even closer, he needs to feel Frank everywhere. He slides up his hand under Frank’s shirt trailing his hand up and down his naked back. The shorter man shivers at the feeling and lets out an involuntary moan into Gerard’s mouth while he digs his fingers in the shorter ones back roughly.

They break away breathlessly resting their heads against one another’s foreheads as they gasp for breath still keeping their hands around each other. Gerard wants to laugh, cry, yell, because he can’t believe what just happened. He settles for staring at Frank and his red flush lips and slightly massaging his back.

They don’t dare say a word to one another and carefully, slowly lean in for a second kiss. Gerard stops when their lips are millimeters apart and savors the feeling of them barely touching, the tenderness the familiar knot in his stomach increase its size. He gently lays his lips down on Frank’s and it’s the sweetest thing Gerard’s ever felt. He cups Frank’s face and runs his thumb along his cheek. God, he’s wanted to do that for so long now. All of his doubts and wonderings left behind, he focuses on now and _Frank_. He can’t help himself and sucks on his bottom lip and pulls on it a bit. Frank lets out a tiny whimper when he lets go of it and Gerard smiles against his mouth. Their kiss gets deeper, more passionate and Frank breaks away going for Gerard’s jaw and then neck. First only leaving light kisses but soon sucking on a more sensitive spot where it would definitely leave a mark. Gerard lets out a whimper and a series of moans after that. Frank pulls away, a smart-ass smile on his face. Gerard feels determined to wipe it off so he slides his hand down grabbing his ass through his jeans and slams his lips against his like Frank did the first time. Frank lets out almost a growl from his throat and responds just as fiercely, teeth and tongues clashing together in frenzy. Gerard clutches Frank’s ass even tighter and grinds his crotch against his own letting a particularly loud moan at the contact. Gerard breaks away for a second

“Bathroom stall?” he suggests feeling his pants start to tighten.

“Fuck yes” Frank answers breathlessly pushing him into the nearest one and shutting the door.

Gerard shoves him quite roughly against the wall making it shake slightly and pins Frank’s wrists above his head. He gives another messy kiss and makes his way to Frank’s neck, tracing all the tattoos he can reach with his tongue and feeling Frank squirm. He unclenches his hold on his wrists and drags his hands down his arms and chest painfully slowly until finally, fucking _finally_ he palms Frank gently feeling him harden under his touch while the other hands works on undoing his belt. The shorter man grips on to Gerard, closes his eyes and throws his head back just a little, his open mouth forms in an ‘o’.

Gerard hasn’t done this in a while, so he hesitates a bit as his hand finally wraps around Frank’s cock. He abandons his neck and stares at Frank’s beautiful face contorted in pure bliss and hearing the sounds coming from his mouth he so longed to hear. Given the fact that they were at a party and in a bathroom he realizes he’s going to make it quick, so he doesn’t waste time teasing him (as much as he’d love to) and sets up a fast pace diving in for a kiss again, muffling Frank’s moans. He would have never thought that pleasing someone else would be this good even when he’s in need of a release himself. Gerard loses himself in the moment and doesn’t notice Frank pulling his hair signaling he’s close and barely manages to catch his loud scream with his mouth.

Frank pants heavily still seeing stars in his eyes while Gerard uses the toilet paper to wipe off his hand. When Frank is able to stand on both of his legs properly again Gerard gives him a soft kiss on the lips and reaches for the door. Frank stopped his hand mid-way while the other palmed him this time.

“I don’t think we’re done here” he whispers into his ear, turning them around so Gerard was the one against the wall.

“Frank… oh _fuck_ , you don’t have to do it, really” he says barely controlling his voice.

“But I want to.” He says innocently “Besides, you can’t just go out like that, everyone will see, we need to fix this” Frank answers pressing his hand harder against his dick. He places a short kiss on Gerard’s lips and starts working on his pants when they hear the bathroom door open. Both of them stop for a moment looking at each other with shocked expressions but Frank’s smirk returns on his face quickly after and he places a finger on his lips telling Gerard to be quiet as he drops his jeans and slowly gets on his knees. Gerard’s cock twitches from the realization of what Frank is about to do and he places a hand on his mouth to prevent any noise coming out of his mouth. At least Frank has the decency to skip the teasing part and goes right to business. Gerard throws his head back as much as he can against the wall and doesn’t dare to look down or he’ll come embarrassingly fast and he feels something warm and wet swallow him all the way. The other person walks into one of the stalls as well that’s a couple stalls away from theirs Gerard thinks judging by the sound. He’s surprised he can even think when there’s someone as hot as Frank sucking him off. Frank suddenly deep throats him out of nowhere and Gerard has to bite down on his hand to keep from shouting out. He’s panting heavily, his knees ready to give away as Frank’s driving him towards the edge fast. His hand finds his way to his hair and he pulls on it quite painfully. Frank gets the message and pulls away standing up at full height again keeping one hand on Gerard’s slick cock stroking him furiously. He leans in his ear and barely whispers as he pumps him fast and rough

“Do it. Come for me.” And nips on his earlobes. That does it for Gerard, he has to hold on to Frank with his free hand to not fall to the ground. He felt like rolling his eyes back into his head from the pleasure but instead he just stands there looking at Frank and hears the toilet flush as the other man exits out of the stall and after a few more minutes they’re alone again.

For a moment it seemed like one of those awkward hookups as Gerard pulls up his pants and Frank wipes off his hand but as soon as they’re done Frank spins Gerard around and gives him one more sweet kiss

“You have no idea how long I wanted to do that” Frank says cupping Gerard’s face.

“Me too” Gerard finally manages to speak again

“And if you don’t mind I’d like to do it again some time, but maybe after a fancy dinner or a movie” he adds smiling. Gerard kisses him in response. He moves his lips slowly against his and sweetly. He’s wanted to kiss him for so long now, he can’t believe it’s actually happening - it all seems like a dream.

They walk out of the bathroom and their eyes widen as they see that about half of the guests had already left. They find the others quickly standing nearby and approach them.

“Hey where were you? We thought you took off or something.” Mikey asks first

Gerard and Frank look at each other before answering

“We just felt like going out for some fresh air that’s all. Guess we lost track of time.” Frank explains

“You were looking for fresh air… in the bathroom?” Alicia asks suspiciously

“Wow those new forest scented paper towels must be really doing the trick” Bob says raising his eyebrows. Frank and Gerard stare at each other not knowing what to say

“Uh we just-“ Gerard starts to mumble lamely “And then yeah one thing led to uh another”

“No” Mikey says taking a step back “you did it didn’t you?” he asks, a smile creeping on his face. Gerard nods curtly as his brother smiles even wider

“I knew it! Ha, told you it would happen tonight” he says with glee. There was a few seconds where everyone started smiling and excitedly congratulating them and patting Frank and Gerard on the back. Then suddenly as though something had clicked, Bob Ray and Mikey quiet down and all look at each other with suspicion then Bob turns to them asking

”Alright, so which one’s bright idea was this?”

“Uhm it was Frank who caught me off guard” Gerard says a bit embarrassed and both Ray and Bob exclaim in triumph, pumping their fists in the air

“Fucking yes! Pay up Mikey” Ray says from behind extending his hand.

“Damn it Gerard. I lost 50 bucks because of you” he says accusingly while handing the money to Ray.

Gerard’s eyes go wide

“You put a bet on… fuck now it all makes sense. You’re unbelievable” Gerard says shaking his head in disapproval.

“Hey, we all knew it was gonna happen as soon as you got the job. Might as well make some money out of it” Mikey says with a shrug which earns a blow to the head with a handbag from his wife.

They continue arguing for the rest of the night about how one of them cheated and creating some fucked up rules until it was time to close up the company. Frank and Gerard get to have some more alone time as Frank drives him back home. Their ride is silent as the same Black Flag CD blasts through the speakers. The moment the car stops and Frank’s hands are no longer occupied they have their hands around each other again and their goodbye kiss almost leads to another round. They set the time for their first normal, official date and reluctantly part their ways. Gerard doesn’t remember how he walked back into the house only how he dropped on his bed and passed out almost immediately with a smile on his face.


	11. Chapter 11

Nearly three weeks have passed since Gerard and Frank finally acted upon their feelings towards one another at the company party. Not much has changed since then: Gerard still works in the art department though he got a few more offers from some other departments regarding his musical talent. He refused, as much as Gerard enjoyed singing he didn’t want to completely sell out his voice. Frank, Ray, and Bob were almost done with the record and were getting ready for their tour in a few months. Their habits stayed the same, Gerard still visited them every lunch break and went to their gigs. Only small details suggested that things are not quite like they used to be: Frank greeting Gerard with a small kiss rather than a hug, holding each other’s hand from time to time, always leaving the company together as they set out to go somewhere not getting enough of one another. Gerard quit drinking altogether, finding his will power stronger than ever with Frank supporting him. He locked up all of his desires and the thirsty beast at the back of his mind along with all the bad thoughts and memories he carried. His mind was at peace.

It’s a regular day, a regular lunch break on the 5th floor, all of them laughing from a joke Bob told. They were still clutching their stomachs in the aftermaths when Frank got up saying he had to go use the bathroom before he pissed his pants. Ray follows him with his eyes and the moment the little door swung back to its place his face turns serious and he asks in a hushed tone

“Alright so is everything set for Frank’s birthday?” he says addressing his question mostly to Bob. Gerard’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise

“Frank’s birthday? What? When’s that?” he asks feeling completely lost. The other two look between one another for a moment before Ray says

“It’s in 2 days.” He turns to his friend “Bob! We agreed that you would tell him”

“No we didn’t. You volunteered, don’t you remember?” Bob bites back annoyed.

“I didn’t volunteer! I remember you turned to me and said-“

“Will you two quit making such noise! I don’t care which one of you forgot, I just want to hear what you guys got planned and I want to chip in” Gerard hushes them as quietly as he can. He’s surprised he didn’t figure it out earlier, he’s held Frank’s hands for so many times, examined every tattoo he had and didn’t make the connection between his birthday and the Halloween or the scorpion tattoo.

“We didn’t plan anything special, just staying a bit after work here, having a beer or two celebrating his birthday. We thought that his time we’d give the gifts separately and not as a group” Bob explains quickly hearing Frank leave the bathroom.

“Okay well I’m in then, do you need any help setting this up?” Gerard manages to ask a final question before the doors swing open and Frank steps through them with a relieved expression on his face, not seeming to notice the sudden silence that overcame their table as soon as he entered. Gerard catches Ray shaking his head slowly, and give a thumbs up under the table. They continue chatting for some time until Gerard has to leave again. Frank walks him towards the elevators like he always does and kisses him softly before pressing the elevator button. No matter how often they do it Gerard still feels the tingling in his stomach and his toes curling every time their lips touch

“One more? Until the elevator comes up” he asks failing to contain his desire and presses himself against the shorter man once again. He feels Frank smile against his mouth before opening it and letting his tongue snake in for a short moment. They let go at the familiar ding when the elevator doors open up. Though when the door closes Gerard’s smile disappears, he has no idea what to get him for his birthday and it has to be something good.

He spends all his free time researching and thinking, trying to come up with something. By the end of the next day he gives up and settles for a home cooked dinner at his house after their little party in the studio.

When the day of Halloween comes they ask Frank to stay after work. He isn’t surprised that they threw him a party. Bob and Ray are terrible at keeping secrets. They sit there after work talking and laughing for a few hours before calling it a night. Frank and Gerard leave the building together as usual. Gerard steers him toward his place not saying a word while the other tags along not asking. They have been going to each other’s places for a while though nothing more like the bathroom stall adventure they had happened, they both decided it was a rough start and that they should take it slowly.

Gerard arranged with his mom that she would light up the candles before she left, so they entered into a dimly lit home. Frank was walking around silently looking around the house like it was the first time he was in it. Eventually he wandered off into the dining room where he found a table set for two and turned to Gerard sharing a wide smile

“What? Did you think your birthday party was already over?” Gerard said cocking up an eyebrow and smiling in response not being able to help himself.

Frank opens his mouth prepared to say something but closes it shaking his head smiling. Gerard also had his mom help him prepare vegetarian lasagna. Actually it was more like Gerard’s mom working while he stood near her watching. But still it was the thought that counted right? They both take their seats at the different ends of the long dining room table. Frank finally opens his mouth

“This is so sweet of you. I must say you’re doing a great job at woo’ing me”

“It’s the least I could do” Gerard answers modestly

“One thing I don’t like about this is that you’re so far away from me” Frank added. Gerard gets up from his seat immediately walks over to him and sets his plate next to Franks

“Anything for the birthday boy” he says taking Frank’s hand in his.

“So wait does that mean I’m not getting a birthday present?” Frank asks with a pout. Gerard gets caught off guard for a moment, but he makes up his minds pretty quick

“Of course you are. I’m giving you me” he says looking calm and composed again

“You? Wait, you realize I was joking right?” Frank asks incredulously “The fact that you remembered and fixed this up for me is more than I can as for”

“Yes, I know it’s kind of cheesy but I’m giving myself to you.” Gerard says looking at Frank’s eyes “You’ve already taken away my breath, taken my heart, so I’m giving in to you completely. I trust you, Frank.”The younger man freezes staring back

“Are you sure about this?” Frank manages to move his lips. Gerard takes a deep breath still not breaking eye contact

“I’m yours” he says quietly but firmly. Frank takes a sharp intake of breath before spilling out

“Gerard this dinner looks absolutely delicious and it’s sweet of you but do you think it could wait?” Frank asks looking hungry but not for the food on the table.

“Anything for the birthday boy” he repeats himself, smirking slightly. Frank leans in and puts a peck on Gerard’s lips

“Then can I take my present to the bedroom?” Frank asks quietly, cupping Gerard’s face.

“Anything you want” he says right before his face gets pulled in for a feverish kiss. Gerard hears someone’s chair fall over in the haste of them getting up but he doesn’t care, his main focus is on the man pressed against him. Their hands are around each other in a moment, desperate to be as close as possible. Their lips are joined almost in a painful manner as Gerard attempts to blindly find the way to his bedroom. He pulls away forcibly because the stairs leading down are steep and one of them is sure to break their necks but that still doesn’t stop Frank from putting a hand under his shirt making him shiver visibly.

The moment Frank’s leg reaches the solid ground of the basement he grabs Gerard again by the waist and joins their mouths back together in a messy bruising kiss. Clothes are discarded in every direction as they make their way towards the bed. Both of them are completely naked and fully aroused as they fall on it with Frank on top. Their hands are roaming around each other trying to cover as much skin as possible while they grind against each other slowly now.  Frank kisses his way towards his neck leaving gushing red and purple bruises along the way, marking Gerard as his own, loving the tiny moans and desperate whimpers coming out of his mouth knowing that only he can make him do that, that he’s the only one that gets to see Gerard squirming underneath him in pleasure.

“You know it is _your_ birthday, shouldn’t it be me doing that to you?” Gerard asks panting. Frank leans towards his ear, nips on the earlobe for a bit before answering

“I want to do this, you’re mine, aren’t you?”

“Yes, all yours” Gerard answers bucking up a bit to gain more contact. Frank gasps at the sudden friction diving in for a bruising kiss again. They start rocking against each other slightly faster now. In a way that feels so _good_ , the sweet friction making their moans grow louder and more desperate for one another. Gerard grabs on a handful of Frank’s hair pulling on it the way he knows Frank likes best and hears a groan in response. Their tongues mingle and clash together in a fierce fight. All tenderness left behind.

“Frank” Gerard breathes after they break apart, staring right into his blown lust filled eyes, his lips red and used “how do you want me?”

Frank’s whole body shudders just from the thought of it and from Gerard’s breathy and raspy voice “just like this” he says still slightly rocking against him. Gerard reaches behind himself at the little nightstand producing a bottle of lube and a condom from it. Frank immediately reaches for them but Gerard slaps his hand away and takes them himself. He rolls Frank off him and gets off the bed leaving him shocked.

“What are you doing?” Franks asks confused sitting on the edge of the bed. Gerard slowly gets off the bed, turns around so he’s facing Frank and smirks mischievously

“Just shut up and enjoy the show” he whispers in the most seductive voice he can muster, pecking Frank on the lips before slicking up two of his fingers in the cold lubricant. He locks his eyes with Frank’s seeing him lean forward a bit and reaches behind inserting one finger in and throwing his head back for show in pleasure and letting out a growl. Frank swallows loudly as the taller man thrusts his finger in and out faster with every second. After a while he adds a second finger and later a third until he’s fully rocking against them and moaning Frank’s name in a needy voice. Frank’s dick twitches in excitement and he reaches with his hand to relieve some of the tension and lets out a shaky breath at the contact getting impatient “Gerard, _please_ ” he begs. The other just smirks, takes his fingers out and slowly, very slowly walks the few steps towards Frank. He crouches to his eye level and takes the little condom pack, rips it open with his teeth and rolls it on slowly looking right into Frank’s eyes. Frank starts to pant quietly, not daring to move while Gerard strokes him unnecessarily long. Finally he gets back on the bed pulling Frank in by the neck like he always dreamed, connects their lips and settles him on top of him again. Frank doesn’t play around anymore, his cock is hard and leaking, demanding attention so he lines himself up against Gerard’s entrance before slowly pushing in. It takes him all of his will power not to start thrusting in him hard and fast. Gerard’s face tenses up from the stretch but after a moment he gets used to it and starts pushing back against Frank. The younger man bends down and places a soft reassuring kiss on Gerard’s lips before starting to move. Frank goes slowly at first, worried about hurting Gerard but as soon as he starts squirming underneath growling “faster” he doesn’t hold back and picks up the pace. Both of them don’t hold down the moans as the old bed creaks from their fastening movements. Frank sets up a rhythm and gets so lost in the feeling that the sudden loud shout from Gerard startles him. He stops and asks Gerard in a worried tone

”What is it? Did I hurt you?” Gerard just shakes his head, sweat soaking through his hair

“No no, keep going and do that again” he rushes his words. Frank smirks mischievously before slamming back inside of him roughly. The pace is much faster, desperate, driving both of them towards the edge fast. Their shouts and moans louder than the others. Frank has a tight grip on Gerard sure to leave even more bruises. Neither of them cares though, as Frank reaches for Gerard’s leaking member stroking it in time with his thrusts. It only takes a good 10 strokes until Gerard is falling apart, breathing hard through his orgasm and clenching around Frank sending him over the edge as well. They pant together through the aftermaths before cleaning up and settling under the bed sheets. Gerard goes up to blow out all the candles and to put their dinner in the fridge for later. When he goes back to his room he finds Frank almost asleep on his bed. He smiles and gets in as well as gently as possible trying hard not to wake him up. Frank stirs in his sleep turning around and settling his head against Gerard’s chest

“Best birthday gift I’ve gotten so far” he slurs sleepily. Gerard smiles in response placing a kiss on his temple

“I’ll be yours for as long as you want me to” he says truthfully “no one else’s, just yours”

Frank huddles himself even closer and mumbles a quiet “love you” Gerard’s heart swells up a bit and this time he isn’t afraid to think it and doesn’t cower away from saying it out loud

“Love you too” he says feeling sleep finally getting to him. Frank smiles for the last time that day before his breathing slows down and he relaxes his grip on Gerard.


	12. Chapter 12

He walks along what he thinks is a sidewalk. That's what he assumes from the scruffy sound his shoes are making and the noise from cars passing by, yet his eyes are swimming, unable to concentrate on the surroundings. Apart from that his walk is firm, determined. To the people passing the strange man on the street he looks like a cold person, confident, alone, heading towards an important destination. Who could have guessed he's falling apart, screaming so loud inside his head from the chaos his throat feels raw, begging for water. He tries to swallow the lump in his throat that's clogging his neck, threatening to break through the veins and skin when it swelled to its full size.

He used to imagine his head like a corridor. Every single door opens to a different room. Some doors are used so frequently they almost never close the others swing open only on occasions: work, art, crossword puzzles… then there are the ones, or rather one, that's kept at the end of the hallway where the light doesn't even work. The door is covered with a thick layer of spider webs. The knob is rusty and unused, as well as the many locks sealing whatever's inside. What made that door different is that it was the only one that needed a lock. The others could occasionally swing open on their own accord if the right wind blew through. The locks were on the door so it would be hard to open them willingly and consciously and even then it would take a good kick or two for it to move from its hinges. Also it was to keep something from breaking out because as mentioned before it was different from all the other rooms. It was meant to keep something alive.

Now the enormous corridor is deadly quiet. No creaking doors opening and shutting back loudly. The light is gone. Everything has a grey tint to it. The only door that's open is the last one. Broken locks are scattered on the floor like easily breakable cheap toys, and the door is kicked out, broken, completely out of its hinges. Inside it's nothing more than a black lifeless hole. The room is empty.

Another blood curling scream erupts from one of the closed rooms where the man keeps his logic. The door shakes in attempt to break out but it's jammed by something powerful. Soon after others join the helpless scream making his ears hurt from the impact. Another noise joins in, though it isn't a scream or the familiar sound of an opening door, it's a laugh, a very mocking one. The stronger the screams get the louder it laughs. Fast black blurs fly along the hallway banging on the doors, teasing and bellowing even harder. The demons have complete control over him, they are willing the leg muscles to move forward and not to run back, they are keeping his face stone cold and not letting the screams leave his mouth. "how did I get here?" is the last sane thought he has before he stops in his tracks, looks at the bags with his belongings on the wet ground and the only door he never expected slams shut in front of him. The looks of disgust and betrayal on the face of the man he loves.

How did he get there?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN *to be continued...*


	13. Chapter 13

24 hours before

The familiar sound of Gerard’s phone sends his heart beating faster. He scurries across the room excitedly and picks it up already knowing who’s calling

“Hey, how’s it going there?” he asks eagerly pacing across the spacious living room that he and Frank now share together. It’s always been a habit of his to walk, constantly move while on the phone, he remembers his dad doing the same when he was little.

“It’s awesome, we just finished the show and it was so great, I feel tired but the good kind of tired y’know? I’ll try to make it back as soon as I can” Frank rambled on out of breath clearly having just left the stage. They’ve been touring for a couple of months and needless to say the longing was driving Gerard nuts. Frank offered Gerard countless of times to join him, but he couldn’t leave his job and his family like that, he’s not used to being on the road like Frank is.

“How about you, what have you been up to?” Frank asks

“Nothing, it’s the same old at work, same old at home” Gerard answers in a bored tone

“Your manager still pissing you off?” Frank asks louder on top of all the commotion that’s heard going on around him.

“If he makes another ‘Way’ pun I swear to god I’ll slap him” he breathes out frustrated and hears an amused chuckle on the other end of the line.

“Are you going to make it for dinner?” Gerard asks carefully

“I’ll try to. I’ll give you an answer when I know for sure myself okay? I gotta go now” he hurries through his words wanting for the conversation to end or maybe it only seemed like that to Gerard. He hears the signal cut off before he finishes saying “okay” and lets his phone hit the sofa again trying not to think about it.

It’s not just a regular night that Gerard craves for Frank’s presence, it was a special occasion well at least for him. It was their 6th month anniversary, the longest he’s ever lasted in a relationship. Frank was away in another city but he promised to get back tonight, he promised that a couple of times before but his time Gerard hopes he remembers this, and they’ll get to have the first evening to themselves in 4 months.

He swallows down the creeping feeling at the back of his mind suggesting things are different. They’ve been talking mostly through phones all this time and every time it ends like this, Frank hanging up suddenly, his voice colder towards him than usual. Gerard just thought it’s the tiring shows and travels, it’s exhausting him or he’s on a tight schedule but then he would go on telling him about all the parties he went to, getting wasted or being bored half the time when they’re travelling but he never bothered to call him during that time, only when he’s busy and has to break off the conversations.

Gerard really tries not to think or over think it, trying to seal all his doubts and fears hoping that when he comes back it will prove that he’s only imagining things, getting paranoid over nothing and end up feeling silly for having those thoughts in the first place.

Though, the hours go by, the sky gets darker and the house is silent as ever. Gerard sits there feeling useless, too afraid to call in the fear that he might be disturbing him, his fears increased to a dangerous level. He stares at the set table in front of him with expensive plates and two glasses of wine (though Gerard wouldn’t be drinking) and sighs disappointed, realizing that Frank won’t be back tonight, and goes to the living room and turns on some crap TV. After a while he feels his eyes growing heavy and as his head hits the soft pillow on the couch he hears the apartment door slam loudly and his head shoots up immediately. He sees his Frank stumble into the corridor for the first time in 4 months and all doubts aside he strides up to him

“Hey there” Frank slightly slurs and gives a messy peck on Gerard’s lips. Gerard can taste the alcohol on his lips.

“I’m glad you made it back, what took you so long?” Gerard can’t help but ask. Frank isn’t completely drunk, just a little tipsy from the way he’s standing

“Yeah well the guys invited me to a party after the show and how could I say no? But I’m so tired I swear every muscle in my body is aching from tonight I think I’ll just go straight to bed” he says making his way to their bedroom.

“I knew you’d forget” Gerard says not hiding the fact that he’s hurt and then mumbles under his breath “why would you remember, you’ve got more important things than me going on” Frank spins around and looks at Gerard through his half lidded eyes confused

“Forget what? And what did you say just there I didn’t quite catch that” Frank asks finally noting the disappointed expression on his face.

“it’s been exactly half a year since the company party, six months since we’ve been going out” Gerard says through his teeth failing to keep the intensity of his emotions in check.

“Well sorry I don’t carry a calendar with me, we’ll celebrate tomorrow big deal” Frank answers sarcastically, occasionally slurring through his words. Gerard’s doubts and fears reach a breaking point. He thinks he can hear something breaking at the back of his mind and going loose. His temper and paranoia get the best of him

“Wouldn’t have killed you to have a proper conversation with me once in a while too since you’ve had so much free time” He spits the words like venom not caring about the outcome just letting it all spill. Frank stares at him with slightly more sober eyes in an unreadable expression

“What the hell has gotten in to you?” he manages to say. Gerard’s heart breaks a little more from the lack of answer he had wanted, from avoiding his accusation and that’s because Frank has no explanation, what Gerard fears is true. Frank doesn’t care about him anymore. These tempting and cunning thoughts poison his mind making him believe in it more and more as the minutes drag on, making it harder for him to calm down or think rationally.

“Because it doesn’t make sense. How could you have wanted to get home sooner yet still traded me for beer?” Gerard rambles on not being able to stop

“Well it’s not exactly that I can drink or have fun with you around” Frank bites back annoyed

“So why did you even come back here then? To get laid?” Gerard asks, his heart pounding loudly and painfully in his chest. Frank stares back at him with disbelief, running a hand across his face and covering his mouth to prevent him from saying something he’ll regret. He looks away staring at the wall while a stifled cry threatens to break out of Gerard’s mouth. The silence says it all for him

“Gerard-“

“Just don’t. You go rest, you’ve had a tiring day after all” Gerard interrupts his pleading voice quite calmly while putting on his shoes and taking his jacket. He walks out of their new apartment not quite sure why he did it, only that he needs to escape, get away from it all. He walks down the empty dark street with his head up though he’s not sure where he’s going. Gerard spots a bar on the corner of the street he passes everyday yet avoids looking at it, now he walks straight at it, swinging the door open like he owns the little pub and takes the last seat at the bar.

“You alright there?” the bartender asks eyeing him.

“Just get me something strong to drink and get me 3 of it” is Gerard’s only response. The bartender just nods having seen plenty of guys like that and knowing that getting them to talk will only make them more upset so he just puts the 3 shots in front of him and walks away from him.

Gerard feels his phone buzz for the 4th time and finally takes it out nearly ripping his pocket. The first 2 messages are long, explaining how sorry Frank is, that he didn’t mean what he said and asking him to come back home. The other two are simple and short ‘I’ve missed you’ and ‘I love you’.

 _Well the damage is already done_ Gerard thinks as he takes the first shot in his hand bringing it to his lips _this is all for you Frank_ and drinks it all on one go. The familiar burning, the bitter taste, he’s missed it so much, it’s like coming to the arms of an old friend back. The warming in his guts like it’s trying to comfort him, help him through this by numbing his brain and making him feel so alive. He’s been thirsting for this for more than six months, being careful avoiding even a sip of beer, but now, as the poison gives him everything he needs, he can’t bring himself to regret it. The beast from the back of his mind comes back to life and roars in pleasure, demanding for more, smiling from the relief the drink is giving him. Gerard can feel his excitement from the core of his heart to the tips of his fingers. After the third shot he asks for another 3 and as he leans back he catches a glimpse of himself on the old dirty mirror on the wall and sees that it’s not the beast that’s smiling from ear to ear, it’s him.

After those next 3 shots everything gets blurred and the scenery is changing around him fast like in some sort of movie. He knows he gets another few messages asking where he is and to answer so he could be sure Gerard is alright because he’s worried. He scoffs at the word ‘worried’ thinking _bullshit._ He realizes he actually said it out loud when a lot of heads turn in his direction with confused expressions. Next thing he knows he’s not at the bar anymore but at one of the tables with some other guy. He can’t remember walking from it the bar. From then on things change even faster.

He notices that the other man’s eye being the exact shade of hazel brown as Frank’s are. The sweet murmurs and words of comfort he offers then having a different fancy drink that tasted funny. Gerard’s skin is burning hot under his soft hand. Suddenly his head is swimming even more but with a new found want and desire he never knew he had. His arousal is rising unnaturally fast and latching on to the closest living thing around him. Things start to move even faster then: the tight grip on his hand as he’s being pulled out of the pub, wet sounds their mouths make as they clash together in frenzy, the sight of a black car and the familiar buzzing under his feet as it moves forward. Keys rattling in a hurry to get a door open then the cool air hitting his naked skin, loud moans of pleasure from being touched like that by another person in a while, and a bit of pain as he was being used roughly. Thin sheets covering his body afterwards, an unfamiliar smell of the man next to him and his eyes closing at the sight of dawn. 

…  

Gerard wasn’t sure what woke him up, the sun shining brightly, the severe pain in his head or someone shifting on the bed. He starts thinking he must’ve passed out on the couch and had very vivid dreams as he shields his eyes from the sun. Then it hits him, they don’t have a big window in front of their couch, the sun never bothers him in the morning. He sits up immediately looking around the strange place: a king size bed, simple white closets and nightstands, no decorations, everything clean and very official looking. Gerard sees his clothes scattered on the ground and realizes he’s stark naked.

“Morning Gee” his head snaps at the direction of a silky voice. There’s a tall man, a bit older than him standing in the doorway with a towel around his waist, his black messy hair still wet. Gerard can’t remember ever seeing him in his life

“Who are you? Where am I?” he asks hoping to sound threatening and demanding but it comes out shaky and scared

“Oh yeah, I forgot there may be side effects. Anyway the name’s Brian and don’t worry you’re not far from the bar and I can take you home if you want.” The man, Brian, says

“What side effects, what bar, what the fuck are you talking about? I can’t remember anything!” Gerard starts panicking, scrambling out of the bed when he spots his boxers, wincing loudly at the sudden pain in his ass from the movement.

“Why does my ass hurt so much? What the fuck happened last night?!” he ends up almost screaming the question.

“Look, get dressed first, there’s coffee in the kitchen, and when you calm down a bit, I’ll take you home and tell you everything you want to know, alright?” Brian says calmly like dealing with a mentally ill person, even putting his hands in the air for show that he doesn’t mean any harm.

Gerard doesn’t have any other choice but to comply. His shirt reeks of sweat and alcohol and his heart starts pounding loudly in his chest (along with his aching head). He drank, and a lot. He manages to remember blurry parts of it, going to the bar and ordering vodka but that’s it, everything else is black to him. Frank. He remembers bickering with him. His hearts aches even more painfully to a point where Gerard has to clutch his chest. He longs for Frank, not caring anymore about the things he said to him just wanting to be in his arms, safe and warm.

The sharp pain sears through him again as he sits down to put on his shoes not daring to think about it. He can’t even remember if he was unfaithful or if he was raped. Some part of him even wished for the second option then he would know it wasn’t his entire fault, but what kind of rapist offers his victim a bed and a lift home. He clutches his chest again and curls up in attempt to ease the pain, feeling his heart beating unnaturally fast. Gerard pulls out his phone and sees about a dozen more messages and calls not only from Frank but from Mikey and his mom as well. It feels as though his head is about to implode, that his body is too small and fragile to hold all this down and that it has to escape, break his body and go loose because he can’t hold it in much longer.

A white simple mug of coffee is thrust into his hand and he snaps out of it for a bit. Gerard sips the liquid not feeling the taste or daring to look at the other man sitting next to him.

“Feeling any better?” Brian asks with a somewhat bored tone

“No” Gerard manages to say before his lips are sewn back shut. If anything he feels worse by the second.

“C’mon, stand. I’m going to get you home” Brian says standing up and patting Gerard’s shoulder. He obeys without question and follows him out the door. His whole head is so heavy though not from the liquor he consumed, it’s like his whole face and body is growing rock solid, the weight pulling him down, slowing his blinking and feeling like he’s physically unable of speech, his mouth full of glue.

“So where do you want me to take you?” Brian asks as they get in the car. Gerard realizes he was in it last night but none of it looks familiar.

“Back to the bar, I’ll walk back from there” Gerard says, feeling like his mouth is full of cement. As nice as he seems, Gerard isn’t about to reveal where he lives.

“Alright, it’s close by. The reason you don’t remember anything is from the pill I slipped in your drink, it’s not harmful don’t worry” Brian says casually driving out of the parking lot.

“You drugged me?!” Gerard springs to life again with rage.

“It was only to move things faster, get you excited, I would’ve gotten you home with me either way but you kept on moaning about that boyfriend of yours, it was so pathetic” Brian chuckles at the memory “And you’re so pretty I just couldn’t resist” Brian explains  finally revealing his real face.

“You know I’ll just go to the police and get you arrested” Gerard threatens, adrenaline surging through his veins. But to his surprise Brian just laughs it off

“What do you think they’re going to believe you? The alcoholic? And what proof will you have, the drug   will be completely out of your system in a few hours and there will be no trace of it, no evidence you can use.” He says smiling in triumph. Brian looks over to Gerard’s broken face and rolls his eyes “I basically did you a favor, you needed to relax, let off some steam you said that yourself last night and that’s what I gave you.” Brian stops the car near the bar and gets out of the car along with Gerard. He goes to his side and leans in closer and breathes over his ear “You wanted it, so I made you come, hard.” He steps away smirking “Now you can go back to your boyfriend, lie to him, make up or something, but just in case you don’t” he says slipping a card in Gerard’s front pocket. Brian gets in his car and drives away without another word.

Gerard stands there for a moment, thinking of an explanation and turns to the direction of his home and finds Frank standing right in front of him. He looks terrible, dark circles under his swollen eyes, it’s clear that he hasn’t slept all night and spent a good majority of it crying. Gerard opens his mouth but Frank talks over him

“This was the place that anyone saw you last so I stayed here, waiting for you to get back” Frank says through angry tears. The pain in Gerard’s chest is back. Frank must’ve seen and heard everything that just happened. “By the time I get back, I hope you’ll have your shit packed” he says and walks past him to the opposite direction of their house.


	14. Chapter 14

What do you do? How are you supposed to go forward when the one pulling you gives up, spits in your face and leaves you on your own and it’s your fault? What do you say? Where are you supposed to go when your planet or star pushes you out of its orbit into the open space? When this time you don’t want to move on, flying across the stars but you prefer to stay where it’s safe and familiar because you can no longer see the other stars? Why is it worth eating, laughing, sleeping anymore? Why is it worth breathing?

“Gerard! Snap out of it!” Gerard’s vision gets disoriented and shaky from the cause of someone shaking his shoulders roughly. His train of thought gets lost in the depth of his mind

“You’re doing it again, stay focused.” Mikey says crouching down in front of him. He runs his hand across his face in frustration.

“Don’t start drifting off like that, I know what you’re thinking about and it’s not good. You know it isn’t. Now for god’s sake eat something or do you want me to call mom and let her see you like this.” he says looking tired and there’s a hint of fear in his voice.

Gerard takes the plate, not looking at his brother and starts to eat. He doesn’t feel the taste of the food nor does he feel any better once he’s finished only that it will be harder for him to fall asleep now. His stomach churns and makes unpleasant noises at food being delivered so rarely. He regrets having taken a bite.

Mikey comes back after a while to the guest room to check up on him, seeing Gerard in the exact same spot on the bed, staring at the same direction as he was the entire day and almost the entire week. He showed up there one day looking like a complete wreck asking if he could stay there for a while before breaking down, crying, spilling everything that’s happened to his brother’s ears and accepting the comfort and arms of his wife. Ever since he calmed down he barely said a word to either of them. His mom got a short and simple version of what happened from Mikey “he and Frank broke up. He isn’t taking it well and wants to be alone for a while.” Mikey didn’t say a word to him about the cheating nor did he doubt that Frank was acting cold or that he was drugged.

 Though, he couldn’t deny that he was frightened. This was his brother after all. His blood and best friend that’s being torn apart from the inside and he can’t do anything about it. It used to be one thing seeing him like this in high school when everything used to piss him off. However, seeing him in this hibernation state in his adult years when he’s stronger than he ever was, isn’t easy. Mikey puts on a brave face and sits on the bed.

“Gerard I know this isn’t pleasant but we need to talk about this. When are you- could you please at least look at me when I’m speaking to you?” Mikey sighs slightly annoyed. Gerard slowly shifts his position facing towards his brother and looks him straight in the eye. His gaze is fixed and unmoving, his face is like carved out of wood, heavy and expressionless. The eyes look empty, no life or spirit behind them just empty vessels almost like a robot, used only for the function of seeing not for observing or feeling

“I’ve given you a full week to lay low and rest but some things have to be sorted now. I’m letting you stay here for as long as you need but you need to tell what happened to mom”

Gerard’s face muscles tense slightly

“You have to. You know how she gets and she’s worried about you too so if you’ll want to stay here this is my only condition. Come clean to mom” Mikey says with a firm voice. Gerard nods in defeat

“Alright. Now the other things, are you going back to work?” the older brother stares at him oddly. Obviously the thought of work didn’t even cross his mind.

“Gerard I know it’s hard but you have to start getting your life back together. So the relationship didn’t work out, big deal, I know you put a lot of hope into this one and you weren’t the only one, it’s not your fault things turned out the way they did, no one could see this coming.”

Gerard face turns dark and pained “it is my fault, it is” he keeps chanting in his head though it doesn’t feel like he’s the one thinking this, more like someone was doing it for him; injecting thoughts into his brain and repeating them loudly until he has no choice but to believe them. It gets so loud in his head that for a moment he loses track of what his brother is saying

“…there will be other ones, it’s not the end of the world.” Gerard opens his mouth in reply but his words come out weak and scratchy from the lack of talking in the past days so he clears his throat and tries again

“I’ll start going from Monday, I’ll save up some money again and get my own place so you won’t have to look after me.” he says with a tone that matches his face.

“You’re not a burden to us so there’s no rush” Mikey says quickly but he sees from his brother’s face that he didn’t believe it.

“Now for the last thing, Gerard I think you need to see a doctor.” Mikey says quickly avoiding his brothers eyes but feeling him tense up from across the sofa.

“I’m sure I’m fine.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t remember anything. Who knows what else might have happened?” he sighs and says more calmly “It’s just in case.”

“No. I won’t do it, no.” Gerard says firmly, nodding to himself. The thought of needles and blood bringing back old childhood fears he never quite got over.

“Yeah I knew you wouldn’t so I already signed you up for an appointment. C’mon we’re leaving now.” Mikey says getting up and throwing Gerard his jacket.

“I won’t!” Gerard protests loudly.

“Don’t be such a baby about it alright? They’re just going to take a little blood from you, you’ll live.”

Gerard’s face goes white at the mention of blood though he gets up and follows his brother outside nonetheless.

The car ride is filled with mindless small talk mostly from Mikey’s end. He talks about the little arguments he and Alicia got into, some old annoying ladies holding up the cashier in the shop, the warming weather. Gerard fills in when appropriate and lets out slightly strained chuckles at the jokes his little brother makes. It’s nice to at least pretend everything’s alright.

When the car stops though, Gerard stops talking altogether. Mikey has to call his name a few times before he gets out of the car, trying hard not to look at the building in front of him, and ignore the strong odor of disinfectants inside the hospital.   

There’s a long line of people waiting in the hallway, all of them looking miserable and weak. They sit on the last bench available counting that there are 8 people in front of them. Mikey checks his watch a few times before getting up

“I’m going for a bit, since this is going to take a while. I’ll be back in time to pick you up” Gerard just nods in response staring at the wall trying not to think why he’s here or what led him there.

Mikey walks fast through the parking lot and walks past his car and heads toward a group of identical block buildings. He knows he has more than enough time yet his stride is fast and long perhaps in anticipation. He carefully avoids the mud puddles and keeps the building he needs in sight. Mikey practically runs up the stairs sometimes even 3 at a time and knocks on the door a little out of breath, his little body never being too athletic. The door swings open in a rush though the man’s face drops at the sight of Gerard’s little brother.

Frank motions for him to come in offering to make some coffee. Mikey gladly accepts overlooking the state of his friend: his hair is a mess, eyes are swollen and dark, his face sickly pale and there’s a specific odor coming off of him suggesting he’s slept in the same clothes for a few days now.

“Lucky you caught me today. Tomorrow I’m going back on tour.” Frank says trying to spark up a conversation.

“That’s not luck, I knew that.” Frank seems at a loss what to say afterwards so he turns away with the pretext of making coffee.

“Frank you know why I’m here” Mikey says seriously. Neither of them wants this conversation. They have been friends for many years after all, but a certain line has been breached, a personal, family related line.

They look at each other and Mikey decides to break the silence first.

“He’s a mess. Even a bigger mess than you are. He doesn’t talk barely sleeps or eats, just sits there in one place staring into nothing.”

Frank tries to keep his face steady and calm

“We basically have him on suicide watch” Mikey says after a deep breath. For a split second Frank’s face turns pained and fearful before he composes himself again.

“From what Gerard told me you guys didn’t really discuss anything on that day. Did you know he was drugged?”

Frank turns away facing the sink “No I didn’t.  But that still doesn’t justify him for what he did.” he adds

“I’m not trying to justify him. I just want to make sure you know everything.” Mikey says trying to keep this calm

“I know enough.” Frank snaps back.

“From what he told me you weren’t exactly a saint either. Almost avoiding him, forgetting your anniversary, showing up drunk and insulting-“

“What I do isn’t any of your business. And I’ve said sorry to him like a million times but he wouldn’t listen!”

“Don’t act like you couldn’t have stopped this from happening.” Mikey says his voice rising “You could’ve told him right all those things you fucking texted him right there and then, you could’ve caught him on the way out of the apartment but you didn’t make one god damn move until you sobered up!” he goes on feeling his temper rise “He’s been going out of his mind for the last months without you around”

“It’s not my fault he got paranoid over shit!” Frank says barely controlling his voice anymore

“How do you expect him not to when you start acting like this?! Heck even I started to think you were fed up with him!”

“Well I like to be on my own some time. To have a change in scenery. Is that a crime?”Frank explodes

“No, but did you ever think of telling him that?” Mikey says composed again

“How was I supposed to know he felt like this, I’m not a mind reader” Frank calms down a bit as well. Mikey sighs putting his head into his hands.

“It’s Gerard you need to properly talk to and let it all out, not me. I suggest you do it before you leave for tour again.” Mikey says getting up from his seat.

“I’ll pass on the coffee” he adds before letting himself out of the apartment.

He strides back to the hospital in an even faster pace, trying to get rid of all the frustration. When he sees Gerard he’s already by the car clutching his arm, still white in the face and slightly shaking.

“So where did you go?” Gerard asks once they’re in the car.

“Just had to take care of some stuff” Mikey says carelessly. Gerard seems to have dropped it but after a couple of minutes of silence he opens his mouth again

“How is he?” his voice barely above a whisper

“Terrible. He misses you.” Mikey answers. Gerard swallows back the lump in his throat and concentrates his vision on the road.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is anyone even reading this story? anyway not many chapters to go

The light fell from the window creating a beam, an especially bright patch of sunlight that fell on the kitchen table and half of the chair in the shape of a stretched out square. Gerard moved his hand away so it wouldn’t get onto the warm and bright spot and looked up at his brother

“Do I have to do it today?”

“Yes, that’s my only condition. Just get it over with.” Mikey answers with a sigh

“Get it over with what?” Donna Way asks entering the room, straightening out her skirt with her hands

“Mom, sit down, this isn’t going to be pleasant.” Gerard says after one last look at Mikey. His mothers face changes from curious to frightened and she sits down looking between her two sons

“So what’s this about then?” her voice was meant to come out calm, but it’s unsure and quivering.

“I didn’t exactly tell you why or how Frank and I broke up.” Gerard starts off and fills in the whole story from when he started having his doubts, then the anniversary and everything that followed. Gerard avoided looking at his mother or his brother the whole time he was talking. He kept staring at the table picking on some little scrape and making it bigger with his nail. He didn’t know what was he afraid of more, how his mom reacted or having to relive it all over again in his head. Carefully retelling the whole conflict, his unfaithfulness is like pouring salt on his still bleeding wound. His stomach feels empty, not from the lack of food more like someone punched a hole through it and now it’s just this big empty gap where he can feel the wind blowing through. His heart is beating unnaturally fast and hard sending the pulses right into his head as it starts to ache. The pain in his head seems to awaken the demons in his mind that keep whispering and weighing him down with the accusations and guilt.

He closes his mouth and takes a deep breath trying to tune out the taunting and laughing in his mind and with one quick movement looks up to his mother. Her eyes are filled with tears ready to roll down her colorless face. Her hand is clasped around her mouth to keep her from interrupting him or breaking down into a sob. She stays like that for a while not daring to move or say anything. Mikey shifts his position in his chair and Donna finally removes her hand from her face and clutches the edge of the table tightly

“Did you- uhm did you check for-?”

“Yes I took him to the doctor today, we should have the results next week.” Mikey answers her unfinished question calmly

“Oh dear god how did this happen?” their mother finally lets out in a rush. Both brothers keep quiet letting her have a moment for all of it to sink in.

“I always thought of Frank as a nice man, perfect for you even, but to think he would be capable of acting like such a pig-“ she starts saying almost like to herself

“Mom, it wasn’t his fault. I’m the one who cheated on him.” Gerard perks up suddenly feeling protective

“Gerard don’t start again, we’ve been through this. It’s not your fault, you were drugged.” Mikey says annoyed

“Yes it is! According to that guy I was going to go with him either way!” he says loudly feeling his heart pump furiously and his head pounding.

“Honey you don’t know that. No one does. You had the full right to get mad at him for how he was acting.”

Gerard looks between them both, seeing the logic in their words but failing to believe it. It’s his fault, it has to be.

“Gerard” Donna starts gently “I know this is a tough time for you and you want to be on your own for a while, but please don’t start drinking again. You’ve been doing so well in the last months. I don’t want to see you go down that road again.”

“You don’t have to worry mom.” He assures her “After what happened at the bar, I don’t think I’ll be drinking any time soon.” Gerard says confidently. He’s proud of himself in some weird way that during his mental breakdown his will stayed intact, and even grew a bit stronger.

Donna asks Gerard to move back in but he refuses. She has enough worries as it is. He and Mikey make their way out of the house seeing the sky turn darker.

…

Gerard opens his eyes and savors the feeling of his dream where he did nothing more than held Frank in his arms. He clutches the bed sheets desperately trying to imagine it. It felt so real, the warmth of another human being, the softness of skin and the hole in his stomach being filled in like putting back together scattered puzzle pieces into one clear picture again. As he starts to lose memory of his dream the empty feeling returns turning his eyes blank once more. He couldn’t tell how much time has passed since that day, was it a week? Or two? Maybe a month?

He hears three sharp knocks on the door.

“Get up and get ready. I’ll drive you to work.” he hears his brother say. Slowly he starts to remember. It’s Monday. More than a week has passed but it feels like ages. Gerard suddenly realizes that going back to work basically means he has to start getting his life back together. He needs to put everything behind him and move on. It’s the smart and logical thing to do because he knows that if this continues, it will eventually kill him. His chest aches at the thought of just pushing Frank out of his life and mind, but he has to at least try to lock up all the beasts inside his head again.

He wants to try.

He dresses up without much thought and leaves his room. Alicia is surprised by getting a ‘good morning’ out of Gerard as he sits down at the table and actually eats something without being told to do so.

Though, as the day progresses Gerard finds it harder to concentrate. He has walked along this street hundreds of times but now it was like he was seeing it for the very first time. Gerard walks down the busy street towards the large company from where his brother dropped him off and can’t help but notice the thing around him. A picture of a bird drawn in a black pen, identical to the one Frank has tattooed on his left side, is put up on the window of a tattoo shop as an example. Across from the company there’s a small bar called ‘Frank’s pub’. His guts twist painfully at the sight of a simple coffee machine standing in the big lobby. It’s like the universe is taunting him on purpose, making it harder for him to forget.

He has to try.

Gerard feels similar to what he felt on the very first day he was here: nervous, stomach twisting, tired, alone… he wants to run away so bad just like the first time, though the first time he knew he wanted to go home, to bed, staying in a familiar place. Now he just wants to run, for the sake of running, get away leave it all behind, his family, his job, his life. Just to run and never stop.

He ignores the aching in his chest and steps out of the elevator towards his manager’s office. He marches fast, eager to be alone again and goes in without knocking again. Any other day he would tell this story to Ray or Bob how he should’ve really learnt his lesson back then about going in without knocking and have a good laugh about it. Now he just stares at his manager’s flustered and red face as he scrambles to turn off the website from which he can hear fake and loud moaning. Gerard should feel embarrassed or at least shocked. He really should. But his face muscles refuse to move or show any sort of emotion. The older man finally turns it off and Gerard can smell the sweat from him standing all the way across the office. He tries to regain his breath, obviously feeling awkward and not knowing what to say

“Good morning, I’m here to pick up my projects for the week.” Gerard says plainly.

“Oh right. Well good morning to you too. I hope you had a good holiday. Your projects are on the little cabinet on the left.” He answers trying to look professional again. Gerard takes the little stack and leaves without saying another word or looking at the disgusting man. He doesn’t understand the ‘little holiday’ part but then he figures Mikey must’ve called the office and said he was on vacation or something.

Gerard sets the projects down on the table and opens up the window to freshen up the unused office. The brand new art kit Frank got him for his birthday lays neatly on the table, barely even used. Frank was too busy to make it home so this was one of the times they had a proper conversation even if it was through the phone and Frank had told him where his present was hidden. They stayed up talking half the night.

He takes the first project from the top and gets a fresh piece of paper and stares at it. He can’t bring himself to draw or to think. His head feels empty. It takes him a good half hour to think of a single idea when normally he has so many he has trouble picking which one he likes best. The process is slow and forced, but he gets it done till lunch time. He sees the time and grabs another project and keeps his mind on it, trying hard not to let it get to him that he has nowhere to go now, no one to talk to and focuses on the paper in front of him. His hand grips the pencil tightly and brushes it roughly across the paper making a very dark line that will be hard to erase later. On the second attempt he rips the paper with it and ends up throwing the paper in the trash can shaking with frustration. It’s barely past 4pm but Gerard is already packing his stuff and leaving seeing as he can’t work properly.

He must try.

He calls his brother to tell him he’s coming back early and finds his phone already ringing. He knew Mikey seemed to always just know stuff but this was a bit too much. Gerard picks up uncertainly

“Hey, I was just about to call you.”

“Really? Why, what is it?” Mikey’s out of breath, his voice concerned

“Nothing, I just finished work earlier and since I still don’t have a key to the house I was going to ask if anyone was going to be home.”

“Oh… I mean yeah, Alicia’s home so it’s all good.” Mikey answers still panting

“Are you running or something? Why did you call me anyway?”

“Your results came in early.” he lets out quickly. Gerard freezes, standing still in the middle of the sidewalk

“And?” he asks quietly, already imagining all the possible scenarios in his mind, even the worst. His left hand starts to tremble slightly. For a good 10 seconds Gerard doesn’t hear anything just heavy breathing on the other line. As the silence drags on Gerard gets more afraid, he feels a lump forming in his throat.

“C’mon tell me!” he lets out frustrated, ignoring the looks of the people passing by

“You’re clean.” The younger brother says with confidence in his voice. Gerard heaves a sigh of relief that nearly gives away his knees and for the first time in a while he honestly smiles.  

…

The place is new and seems classy. Or maybe it just seems like that because he doesn’t go to those expensive restaurants in the centre of the city that often. They are usually overpriced and too crowded but they agreed on having it here. Well Mikey was the one who did all the talking while Gerard sulked on the sofa. In fact he spent the whole day complaining and whining about it. Yet here he is, taking the seat at the reserved table and checking his watch seeing he’s 5 minutes early which is unusual for him. Usually he’s late for dates.

Gerard gets used to the dim lighting, the dark, slightly uncomfortable chair, fancy lamps above each table when he sees another man wander in looking around slightly confused and nervous. Gerard sighs _here we go_ before putting up his hand and waving at him. The other man sees him, smiles wide and makes his way towards him. Gerard stands up from his chair to shake the man’s hand because it’s the polite thing to do

“Hi, you must be Gerard, I’m Matt.” he smiles warmly before sitting down. Gerard says a quiet nice to meet you and sits down as well.

“Do you like this place?” Matt asks eagerly looking around the restaurant

“Yeah, it’s alright. I’m not used to going to these places so it seems so posh to me.” Gerard says trying not to seem boring.

“I don’t go to these places too often as well actually” Matt admits “It just seemed like a good, cozy place to sit down, have a nice meal and get to know someone as handsome as you” he says a bit shyly.

Gerard smiles from the sudden compliment. He can’t remember the last time someone said something like that to him. It has been awhile since he felt wanted or handsome, he forgot how nice that feels.

He looks up staring at his date and decides he needs to rethink his plan. Gerard didn’t want to go on this date, he fought and resisted his brothers suggestions and arguments but in the end they reached a compromise: that if Gerard goes on this date, Mikey will leave him alone for the whole week. He planned on just showing up and not putting in much effort into making this date fruitful but now as he’s staring at Matt’s long face, high cheekbones and radiant, energetic eyes he realizes he actually wants to get to know this person as well.

“So Matt, what is it that you do?” Gerard asks leaning forward a bit.

“I run a small business, nothing too fancy. I heard you are an artist though.” he says not faking the fact that he’s impressed.

“My brother flatters me too much. I used to sell my paintings for a living but it wasn’t working that well until I got a proper job about a year ago. Now I design posters, ad’s for the company, that sort of thing. It isn’t much but it’s enough that I can keep my little apartment.” his words just fly out of his mouth.

“Must be great though, doing what you love and making a living out of it.” Matt says flipping through the menu. Gerard takes a moment thinking and smiles slightly

“Yeah, I guess it’s pretty great.”

The conversations are not as fake or forced as Gerard imagined they would be. It’s easy and nice and comfortable. Sitting there, chatting with someone but as hard as Gerard tried he couldn’t imagine it ever going past that. It’s fun just talking like friends, but the thought of anything more felt wrong to him and he couldn’t understand why. Matt was a perfectly handsome guy, interesting to talk to. It’s been more than half a year after he last saw or spoke with Frank, then why is it so hard for him to move on?

Maybe it was because he never really forgave himself. He didn’t accept the fact that it wasn’t his fault and the guilt is still eating at him, not as fiercely as before but it still is. He still sometimes has nightmares and feels his heart twinge at the sight of a project where he has to design a poster for his band but he keeps it all inside and he’s gotten good at it. He locked up everything for good, got his life back together just like he wanted.

The dinner is over in a flash. They talk so much they don’t even notice that half of the restaurant is empty by the time they decide to leave. Matt offers to drive Gerard home since he still doesn’t have a car and they chat some more even as they’ve already stopped near Gerard’s building.

“I should really be going.” Gerard says checking his watch.

“Oh, well then…” Matt says unsure of what to do now. He leans in and puts a quick peck on Gerard’s lips “I had so much fun tonight, I really do hope we can do it again.”

Gerard takes a few moments to himself, smiles warmly and says “Yeah me too and sure I’ll give you a call then.” and gets out of the car, waves a goodbye and walks away hearing the car drive off to the street.

He closes his eyes for a moment. It was a nice evening and he enjoyed himself a lot, all those things suggest that he should really call him some time. Then he touches his lips with the tips of his fingers trying to remember how he felt. If his heart skipped a beat or his stomach twisted when another pair of lips touched his, trying to recall craving more. He opens his eyes again and walks the rest of the way towards his apartment with a defeated look. He felt absolutely nothing.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since I won't be able to post any chapter throughout the weekend and maybe monday and tuesday as well, i'm posting the 6th chapter today. as always enjoy and comment :)

 1 year later

“Well well, I didn’t think this day would come.”

“C’mon… please, isn’t there anything?”

“Why do you all of a sudden want this? It’s been way over a year.”

“I just need some extra money.” Gerard looks down at his shoes, hating this situation. Eric continues smirking

“Well there isn’t anything in your area but one of the guys here quit and we haven’t found a replacement yet.”

“Great! What’s the job?” Gerard’s face brightens up

“An assistant.” Eric can’t seem to stop smiling. His unnaturally bright teeth look very disturbing.

“An assistant to whom?’’ Gerard asks narrowing his eyes

“Me.” he answers simply, dropping the bomb on him.

“Forget about it, I’ll just find something else.” Gerard mumbles disappointed and takes a step back ready to leave

“We both know you won’t find anything better.” Gerard stops and stares at Eric for a while, locking his eyes with his bright blue ones, knowing he’s right but hating to admit it.

“For how long?” he asks reluctantly. A triumph smile spreads across the blonds face

“Until we find someone to fill in full time, shouldn’t take more than a few weeks.”

“What will I have to do?”

“Bring me coffee, help me deal with people I don’t like, that sort of thing.” _not to mention making you embarrass yourself on a daily basis…_

Gerard huffs and stomps just a little before saying

“Fine, I’ll come on Monday.” and leaves the office quickly. It’s only for a few weeks he keeps telling himself. His mother’s fiftieth birthday was coming up and while he can live just fine with his regular salary he wants to throw her something special. He doesn’t dare ask Mikey anymore favors.

He checks his watch. It was a little after 5pm and his manager would be gone by now so he’ll have to settle things with him tomorrow. He hears the elevator door opening and walks out to the lobby finishing typing a message to his brother about the details to their mother’s birthday. He’s barely two steps out of the elevator when he presses send and lifts up his head in one swift movement.

The lobby is getting darker and there are fewer people there. Every single step echoes in the large empty room. Gerard inhales deeply but some of the air seems to catch on and get stuck in his throat as it starts to ache. Then a cough breaks out which echoes unpleasantly and he feels his throat burn. It was probably something he picked up on his way to work. It has been a rather chilly November week.

He turns towards the coffee machine with the intention of getting tea to warm up a bit. He can’t afford to get sick on his mother’s birthday and when he has so much work. He fumbles with the coins from the back of his pocket, though his cold shaking hands fail to hold them in and half of them drop and roll on the ground.

“Shit.” he breathes but before he has time to crouch down someone is already there doing it for him.

“Thanks.” Gerard says with a smile before being handed the coins. He looks up to his helper and his heart freezes.

“Hi.” Frank says fighting away a smile, cramming his hands to his front jean pockets looking tense and uncomfortable.

Gerard opens and closes his mouth. To say he was shocked would be an understatement. No matter how many times he imagined it there was still no way to be ready for this. No way to expect it. Why now?

In the early days of his recovery he imagined every possible conversation and reaction that would take place when they meet again. But he abandoned those dreams along with everything else that had to do with this man in order to move on. Gerard was convinced he no longer feels anything for that man, that if ever a day would come when he will meet Frank again he would be indifferent and nothing in his life would change.

Yet he stands there and feels a wave of emotions crash on to him from that second when his eyes fell upon those familiar face features he drew and traced with his fingers so many times and he doesn’t know what to make of them. The emotions are so intense and there are so many he has trouble picking out what he’s feeling. Time seemed to have slowed down or maybe his thoughts just picked up the pace and he finds himself not being able to look away. Hypnotized more by his own memories and thoughts rather than the man in front of him.

It seemed that the universe was not quite done taunting him yet even after this long, Gerard thinks.

 Frank looked the same, Gerard even recognized the shirt he was wearing, but it also seemed like he was seeing him for the very first time since he spent a great deal of his energy and time trying to forget. And now those doors are opened again and everything about this man is settling in his thoughts again.

He stares at the familiar, warm eyes that seem just a bit older than the last time he saw him, and a bit more tired. Gerard can’t understand what’s happening inside his guts anymore. His head starts to swim and he realizes he’s not breathing so he takes a deep breath and looks away. For Gerard it seemed that that moment lasted for minutes rather than a few seconds

“Hey, you’re back from tour?” he asks. It seemed that once his eyes were averted his thoughts became quieter and more organized.

“Yeah, I’ve been back actually for about a month now, we started to record again today.” Frank answers. Gerard swallows loudly from hearing that familiar voice again.

“How have you been?” Frank adds quickly

The past year flashes across Gerard’s eyes in a swift second: the worries, the breakdowns, recovery and relapses

“Good good. Same old job, same old… everything.” he stammers a bit and becomes aware of the fact that he’s been standing there with the coins in his hand for some time so he turns to the side and starts to jam them into the machine a bit roughly.

“Oh well that’s good. Gerard, listen…” Gerard’s muscles tighten and his jaw clenches “We didn’t exactly part on good terms but… can we just agree that it was both our fault and just-“ Frank starts to stammer

“I understand what you mean and it’s all okay. Really.” Gerard cuts him off taking his cup of tea smiling, honestly smiling and dares himself to look at the man’s eyes again. He repeats the same sentence in his head and nods unnoticeably to himself.

“Okay well that’s a relief.” he says with a genuine, bright smile “Anyway I have to go back to the studio, bye.” he shrugs, turns on his heels and walks away

“Bye, Frank.” Gerard says. The name feels old and foreign on his tongue like something out of a dream. He turns away, walking towards the exit putting another lock on the door at the back of his mind corridor just to be safe and repeating in his head _I will not let this affect me._

…

His favorite old desk from his mother’s house was brought here to his new apartment, that’s only a few block away from the company. Gerard takes out an unfinished project and sets to work, turning on the TV for background noise. It’s the way he’s used to working and a way to keep him distracted. Though after he’s done with it and the next one his mind is still buzzing with unwanted thoughts so after a lot of thinking he gives in and dials up his brother’s number nervously

“Hey, what’s up?”

“He’s back.” Gerard says plainly

“Yeah, I know. Did you talk to him?” Mikey sounds a bit concerned

“Very briefly, yeah. We just agreed that we’re going to put the past behind us and act like adults, that sort of thing.”

“And? How are we feeling about this?”

“Stop sounding like a psychiatrist, it’s not helping.” Gerard sighs frustrated

“How would you know if I sound like one since you refused to go to one.” Mikey shoots back

“Oh shut up.” he drops hearing his brother chuckle lightly on the other end of the line for winning an argument and feels himself start to smile slightly as well

“I just wasn’t expecting this” he admits.

“Just try not to worry or over think too much, try to do what he does.” Mikey advises seriously

“I won’t worry, I’m over him” he says with false confidence. “How do you even know what he did or how he acted?” Gerard asks suddenly, again feeling like he doesn’t know something

“Honestly ask yourself, do you really want to know?”

Gerard takes a moment thinking it through “Yeah, I’d rather not.”


	17. Chapter 17

"Will you hurry up!" Eric yelled impatiently while Gerard scurried across the room with a pile of papers in his right hand and a cup of deliciously smelling coffee in another one. His face is flushed red from all the running as he tries to hand the items to his new temporary boss. Eric merely gestures with his hand towards the table without looking away from his computer screen  
  
"What took you so long? Did you stop by to fix your makeup on the way?" he asks taking a sip of his coffee  
  
"For your information the coffee machine in the lobby broke down and I had to go-" Gerard starts off feeling insulted  
  
"Yeah I don't really care since it's not my problem." the blonde interrupts finally looking up at him. "And I said I take extra sugar in my coffee, I can't drink this. It's your first day and you're already fucking up." he sneers.  
  
Gerard closes his eyes and counts until he's feeling calmer I need this job I need this job he keeps repeating in his head.  
  
"I want you to take these papers upstairs to the 16th floor and get a guy named Phil to sign them, then take these and get them to Bob and-"  
  
"Wait, Bob who?" Gerard asks immediately. Eric stares at him like he's an idiot  
  
"Bryar. Aren't you guys friends or something?" Gerard swallows painfully and answers  
  
"Uh, yeah right." he takes another stack of papers and turns around heading for the elevator. He still manages to hear his boss yell "And get me some proper coffee!" Gerard huffs in annoyance and jams his index finger hard on the bright button with the number 16. He regrets it immediately when he feels sudden pain sear through it from accidentally bending it too much. When he reaches the floor he finds out there are about 3 Phil's working there so he spends a good 20 minutes until he finds the right one. As Gerard stands in the elevator feeling it go down his stomach turns nervously.  
  
The doors open and he takes a couple of careful steps forward looking around the place where he hasn't set foot in for about a year. Where he met his friends, who made his days bearable. It seems so long ago, like in another life time. Everyone seemed to have moved on but the shitty equipment, scattered wires that he tripped over a lot, the warm golden light, smell of guitar strings and metal is still there welcoming him back like an old friend.  
  
Gerard hears someone playing guitar in the room where they always used to eat but doesn't manage to catch much of the melody because he gets distracted by a door slamming shut at the back of the studio. A tall, big haired Ray walks towards him with his nose buried in some papers studying it carefully. Gerard doesn't know whether he should just say something to get his attention or go into the studio to look for Bob but before he can decide Ray lifts up his head and stops in his tracks staring right at him.  
  
"Oh. Hey there." he says looking a cross between astonished and confused.  
  
Gerard swallows hard before taking a few more uncertain steps forward  
  
"Hey, is Bob here?" he asks clutching the papers unnecessarily hard. Ray still keeps staring at him like he's an alien  
  
"Uh, yeah. Hey Bob!' he yells not taking his eyes of Gerard.  
  
"What?" Bob steps out of the room opposite to the little studio where Gerard can no longer hear anyone playing guitar. While Ray looks exactly the same Bob changed. His hair is no longer short and soldier like but quite longer, even longer than Gerard's. With his blond hair like that and clean shaved face he reminded Gerard of those typical hippie surfers and he has to bite down a giggle.  
  
"Hi. Eric told me to bring you these." Gerard says taking the last few steps towards him and handing him the papers. Bob looks just as surprised as Ray, opens his mouth ready to say something but closes it and takes the papers. Ray's face suddenly scrunches up  
  
"Eric? Who's Er- oh you mean 9th floor Eric?" he says raising up his eyebrows.  
  
"Yeah, the same one." Gerard answers nodding feeling uncomfortable now that he has nothing to do with his hands  
  
"Why are you doing his work?" Bob asks  
  
"I sort of work for him now." both Bob and Ray's jaws drop  
  
"How the fuck did that happen?!"  
  
"What happened with your arts thing?!"  
  
"Did they fire you from there?!" the questions pour one after another and Gerard can't hold it anymore and lets a big wide smile spread across his face and a short laugh escape his lips. The tension from his shoulders and his whole posture decreases bit by bit and the air doesn't feel as heavy in his lungs.  
  
"No it's just temporary, I need extra money and I thought about going there to sing since they offer me a lot of those, but now they didn't have anything and the only job available was an assistant, the pay is half bad so I thought why not." Gerard pours out freely like they never really stopped talking to each other for over a year.  
  
"Yeah but still. I mean it's Eric, that guys a fucking jerk!" Bob says smiling now as well. Ray checks his watch and looks up to him with a careful expression  
  
"It's nearly lunch time, do you want to stay for a bit? Tell us more about it?" Gerard looks towards the direction of the little studio and hears the guitar melody start again louder than last time and a bit more rushed  
  
"I don't know, I still have work to do and you know how pissed Eric can get." he says carefully avoiding looking them in the eye. Ray takes another step forward so they're less than a foot apart  
  
"Dude, it's none of our business what happened between you and Frank. C'mon stay for a bit, we missed you, he won't mind it either." he breathes out quickly. Gerard can feel a stone rolling off of his chest in hearing those words, but he can't just fall back into everything simply like that, not when Frank is there. He doesn't trust his thoughts around him.  
  
"Sorry guys, maybe some other time. I still have stuff to get to Eric's and he'll give me hell if I don't." he says trying to sound apologetic. Ray lets his head down in defeat  
  
"Okay, it's alright. So another time then?" he asks lifting up an eyebrow carefully. Gerard takes a pause thinking of how to get away with this but finds that he has no choice except to say  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
"Alright! Another time it is." Ray says no longer looking disappointed, he even seems a bit ecstatic. He shares a brief look with Bob who's fighting away a smile making his mouth twitch noticeably. They both wave him goodbye and head towards their usual little dining room. Gerard stands there a little dumbfounded for a moment or two before turning around on his heels and heading towards the elevator. His stride is much wider and confident than before.  
  
…  
  
The 2nd day of working for Eric McDickson isn't any better. For some reason he comes to work all bitter and tired, snapping at anyone who gets close to him. Gerard quietly accepts all the work he gives him and listens to the nasty remarks patiently. Even though he has developed a type of dislike towards the guy he can tell the difference between someone being purposely annoying and when there's actually something wrong. His heart got so soft at one moment from seeing his boss sitting by the table with his head in his hands, shoulders slumped, barely moving, he considered going over and asking what's wrong before shaking his head and taking a stack of contracts and heading towards the elevator.  
  
His job mainly consisted of running across the whole company building receiving, giving documents, bringing Eric his coffee and sometimes answering his phone on the second half of the day.  
  
Gerard slumps down in the comfy office chair wiping the sweat off his face. Though, before he has the chance to properly catch his breath the phone rings, he groans in response and picks it up reluctantly  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Yes this Bob Bryar and I'd like to address a serious issue, can you send someone down here please?" he hears Bob's familiar voice in an overly polite voice  
  
"What's the problem?" he asks automatically  
  
"I'm afraid it's difficult to explain, you'll just have to come down here and see it for yourself." Gerard sighs tiredly  
  
"Alright we'll send someone down." he says and hangs up immediately. Gerard huffs in annoyance from not getting even 5 minutes of rest and gets back on his feet. First he quickly steps into his boss's office seeing him in no better state than he was yesterday  
  
"Bob just called, said there was some kind of problem and that it needs to be solved, should I go or do I need to ask someone else to go?"  
  
Eric merely gestures with his hand for him to leave so he does and sets towards the metal box where he spends half the day in. His thoughts keep going back to his warm bed, the laziness getting to him as his feet barely lift off the ground as he walks into the familiar studio. He yawns loudly before yelling  
  
"Bob? What's this problem you mentioned?" he walks around the studio but doesn't see any sign of them. Maybe it was a joke of some sort. Oh great he thinks, just what he needs on a busy day like this, someone messing with him. Just as he thinks he'll turn around and head back he hears the shout back  
  
"In here! Come quick!" Ray's high voice rings in the studio, the source seems to be their little dining room. Gerard walks fast towards it and swings it open, eager to get it over with and finds the 3 of them sitting around their table eating away their lunch. Frank's the only one of them who looks just as surprised as Gerard is  
  
"What the hell? Where's this big problem of yours?" he asks scrunching his eyebrows together  
  
"Right here! We ordered way too much pizza and it's going to go to waste if someone doesn't eat it and we can't just throw out food." Bob says trying to keep a straight face. Gerard takes one big sigh  
  
"Guys this isn't funny."  
  
"Really? I thought it was hilarious" Bob smirks  
  
"Just stay, we're not taking a 'no' for an answer." Ray chimes in.  
  
"Fine, but what do I tell Eric then?" Gerard says going to them and taking his usual seat  
  
"We'll say there was a problem with the papers you handed me a few days before and that we sat discussing them. I'm gonna give you some more documents I know he needs to get back to him so you won't go back empty handed. It's perfect." Bob explains and Gerard had to admit, that was a pretty good plan.  
  
"Wait, you work for Eric now?" Frank pipes up out of nowhere. Gerard smiles and explains the whole thing he explained to Bob and Ray a few days ago. Though halfway through his story, Gerard realized that Frank should've heard that yesterday when he came by.  
  
"So yeah that's what it's like working for him I guess." he finishes his story "Now are we all just going to sit here and ignore what has Bob done to his hair?" he finally points out. The rest of them laugh in agreement  
  
"Oh believe me we had full interventions going on at one point, we just figure it's a phase he's going through." Ray says barely containing his own giggles  
  
"Oh ha ha, I think it's a nice look okay?" Bob says defending himself  
  
"Yeah it is, for 12 year old girls I mean." Frank adds and gets a punch in the arm right after that.  
  
"But seriously though, how's the band and everything?" Gerard asks after he stops laughing himself.  
  
"Pretty good, the tour was awesome, we met a whole lot of people. It was wild." Bob starts off "oh and Ray got engaged during it too."  
  
"No shit! Congratulations man!" Gerard says patting his friend on the back seeing him blush slightly and smile wide.  
  
"Thanks. What about you? Seeing anyone?" Rays asks automatically but as he's finishing his question, he wishes to take it back immediately. Gerard feels the tension settle in amongst them. Bob is trying to look anywhere else but Gerard or Frank, Frank is focusing on the slice of pizza in his hands, and Ray looks the most uncomfortable. He opens his mouth to take his question back, but Gerard answers nonetheless  
  
"No not really, went on a couple of dates but nothing really worked out" he mutters the last words almost to himself "what about you guys?" he asks quickly  
  
"Well I'm still seeing the same girl but you probably don't know about her. I'll have to introduce you one day, you'll like her, she teaches art to elementary school kids." Bob goes on "and Frank here is the same as y-"  
  
"Yeah I'm seeing someone too" Frank interrupts Bob. Both Ray and Bob look at each other with concern but don't say anything else.  
  
"Oh? That's nice" Gerard manages to say after a short pause, but his face expression doesn't match his words. Now there was no escaping the awkward silence between them. Gerard averts his eyes trying to think of how to quickly change the topic but nothing comes to his mind, leaving right now wouldn't be a good idea either. Bob's head suddenly jerks up  
  
"Did you see the new batman movie?" he asks. It seemed he wasn't the only one trying to think of a new topic. They go on discussing the movie, directing , effects, acting, anything to get them as far away from what just happened. Gerard can't relax properly though, and immerse himself into the conversation. After discussing all they could over that one topic Gerard checks his watch  
  
"Whoa, guys I've been here almost an hour, I've got to go back." he says his eyes wide with the thought of what he'll get when he comes back to Eric.  
  
"Oh okay, sorry for holding you up like that." Ray says standing up from his seat  
  
"Nah, it's alright, it was fun." he says walking towards the elevator and pressing the button knowing it takes it some time to get down. The three of them stand near by  
  
"So do you think you can come down here again?" Ray asks carefully  
  
"Yeah if you guys want to I'm sure I can work something out." he says shrugging uncertainly  
  
"Of course we do!" Bob agrees enthusiastically. Gerard tries not to look at Frank and see his reaction. He hears the doors behind him open and turns to step in  
  
"Gerard wait!" Frank's voice echoes and he turns back around in a flash, seeing Frank grab something from a table nearby and brings it to him  
  
"The documents Eric needs, just like promised."  
  
"Oh… yeah right." Gerard sighs, feeling the brief brush of his fingers against Frank's as he takes them and meets his big dark hazel eyes so close to him. "Thanks" he says finally after a few seconds and turns away stepping inside the metal box.


	18. Chapter 18

For the rest of the week Gerard demanded Eric to let him have a proper lunch break or he'll drop all the work on him. Eric complied of course but not before making a face at him and shooting some remarks about him not being committed to his work. The tiny 5th floor studio was now filled with four people eating away their food and enjoying each other's company. Gerard decided it's time to push aside the past and move on, especially if Frank has done it already, and acted towards him like he did towards the other two. Though, it was undeniable that these had some unsolved business between them, from the way their eyes were fixed on each other for a bit too long, the shy smiles out of old habits that have a hard time dying.  
  
Both Frank and Gerard told themselves a million times that they were over it, putting whatever was between them behind and focusing on the present. Nonetheless they still avoided being in the same room alone together when Bob and Ray go back to work earlier. Gerard usually makes some stupid excuse to leave then as well. Their goodbyes were just as uncomfortable, usually with a shrug or half a wave.  
  
It's Monday again, and this is the happiest Monday Gerard is having so far. For one, he has half of the week left to work for Eric since they found a replacement quite soon and he waltzes in the little studio room with a skip to his step and a huge grin he can't seem to wipe off his face. Also he heard some big new from his brother this morning that made him practically jump out of his bed. His good mood is just radiating off of him (it makes Eric frustrated because he can't understand why he's smiling, when he's putting him under unnecessary pressure). His state doesn't go unnoticed by his friends either.  
  
"Whoa, why the smiley face?" Bob teased as soon as Gerard entered the little studio  
  
"Mikey didn't tell you?" he asks sitting down. The rest of them still look clueless and his smile stretches even wider if it's even possible  
  
"Tell us what?"  
  
"I'm going to be an uncle." Gerard says, his mouth actually starts to hurt from how much he's smiling. The guys start expressing their surprise and congratulations almost instantly, one shouting over the other.  
  
"Oh man this is huge we should throw a party or something!" Frank was the first to suggest the others agreed enthusiastically.  
  
"I don't know guys, both of them are out of town this week so maybe when they get back." Gerard explains.  
  
"Then we'll throw the party when they get back, big deal. But congratulations to you too man." Ray says going in for a hug, Gerard returns the short embrace and now the other's go in for a hug as well. Bob's hug is rib-crushing and Gerard's glad it didn't last long, because he thought he was going to suffocate. Frank though, held on for a bit longer and Gerard remembers why he had longed for his embrace so much when they separated. He lets himself have a short moment where he sinks in to his arms. Frank lets go before Gerard can properly drown into his scent which is a good thing Gerard thinks later on.  
  
Gerard feels strange though after his lunch and it had nothing to do with the day old pizza. Somehow he can't bring himself to be as happy as he was in the morning and feels something stir at the back of his mind. It's surprising how much can a single embrace bring back. Only a few seconds of one body against another and suddenly the deepest memories and secrets and thoughts are brought back to the surface. Gerard tries, he tries especially hard not to think about it, though he can't make himself admit that it's Frank that is causing his chest to feel heavier with guilt and shame. That it's him that's making him remember every wonderful moment he spent with Frank, being the happiest he ever was, and then screwing it all up.  
  
Some of the people stare at him on the street for he wore an unusual expression on his face, for he himself found himself in an unusual situation. His stride is fast and confident, the wind messing his hair making it stand in every direction, everything about his posture and walk displays eagerness and energy. But for those who looked up to study his face even for a split second found an oddly vacant expression upon his face, seeming to stare into the far depth of the street and at the same time staring at nothing at all.  
  
The man tries desperately to calm his thoughts, repeating to himself that Frank means nothing to him, he is no longer anything in his life, that way trying to cover up what he's feeling. For everything that's underneath: the many layers of guilt, paranoia, shame, anger, self-consciousness and sadness, is the one feeling which he's trying to ignore most since he embraced Frank and that's longing.  
  
Before going to sleep his thoughts are calmer and he manages to regain the control he temporarily lost. Yet when he wakes up he finds that he's clutching a couple of pillows beside him, pressing them to his body.  
  
…  
  
That same day when Gerard got away from the 9th floor madness for his usual lunch he found only two of his friends there  
  
"Hey where's Bob?" is the first thing he says when he enters the room.  
  
"He's in a meeting. Poor bastard. He hates those mainly because he has to sustain from swearing and referring to pop music as shitty overrated kiddy songs." Frank answers with a chuckle, looking towards Ray hoping to get some agreement but doubtful he even noticed Gerard walking in because he kept studying and writing something on a piece of paper while muttering to himself.  
  
"I have to go get this checked, leave me some pizza." Ray says getting up and walking out the door not once looking up from the papers.  
  
"Oh c'mon-" Frank starts to say but Ray's already out the door and he's left with his mouth hanging open "Fine then." he says returning his attention to the slice in his hand. Gerard grabs one as well to keep his mouth busy so they don't have to talk but the awkwardness still hangs over them like a cloud that's about to burst. But there's only so much time you can spend eating and not talking to each other when it gets painfully uncomfortable so Gerard goes for breaking the ice  
  
"You guys wrote any new songs yet?" he asks. The question in his mind sounded like a natural one, spontaneous, but the way it came out seemed forced. Frank lifts up his head with a sort of 'huh?' sound  
  
"Yeah we started coming up with new stuff while touring and by now we have like almost half of the album covered already, we recorded only one though." Frank starts explaining, the tension decreases a bit but not enough to keep Gerard from crossing and uncrossing his legs constantly  
  
"Oh, can I hear it?" he says with the hope that it will take long enough until the lunch break ends.  
  
"The recording?" he asks making sure. When Gerard nods he gets up and goes to the end of the room, brushing against his arm accidentally and stops at the very end near some black box covered in wires and countless buttons. Gerard couldn't say what it's used for if his life depended on it. Frank seems to know his way around it like he invented it, barely looking at the buttons and switches he presses.  
  
Suddenly the room is filled with a gentle guitar melody that starts telling a story calmly and slowly. Though, the guitar's tone is a bit rough as there's slight distortion. The entire room seems to disappear around Gerard as he gets immersed into another world. A bass guitar and the drums join in after the first half of the verse giving the song a steady ground as well as rhythm and emotion to the story. The tune itself is very simple and relaxing yet there's a sad undertone to it. Gerard doesn't concentrate on the lyrics all that much, he can recognize Frank's voice though. The story itself sounds tragic and heartbreaking and Gerard wonders if the whole song is going to be like that, but he hears the bass get slightly louder and the song suddenly explodes, the rhythm is twice as faster and the plain guitar notes are replaced with aggressive chords bringing the song to an unexpected culmination. Gerard feels his heartbeat increase along with the fast tempo. Gerard can hear Frank yelling something incoherent during it in a very angry manner, but as suddenly as the fast part started, it ends just a abruptly and goes back to the original tempo and simple guitar notes, which sounds even more depressing than in the beginning.  
  
A part of him wanted to tell Frank to turn it off because it was getting too much but the curiosity of how it ends stopped him and he continued sitting on the edge of his chair, eyes wide, staring at the giant speaker where the music is coming from. Just as the last words fell Gerard expected the song to end with a sad and slow tune bringing the story to an end, but this one came with an epilogue. The fast instrumental part began again, even more fierce than before. No words, just Ray's incredible solo making Gerard grip his chair tight. Finally the last chords strike roughly and the song ends with the sounds of random notes and with a guitar distortion, not giving the song or the story a proper firm ending.  
  
The room is filled with silence once again and Gerard return back to reality and finds his chest aching painfully though he can't say why. He feels Frank's hand on his shoulder  
  
"Gerard, you alright? Jesus, you're white as a sheet, are you sick?" he asks worriedly crouching down in front of him. Gerard has a short moment where he can't feel his limbs or how to move them, when he snaps out of it he smiles and says  
  
"Yeah I'm fine." he says feeling a bit more in control again.  
  
"Are you sure?" he asks again, reaching with his hand to cup Gerard's face instinctively, but he stops as his palm is a few inches away, smiles sadly and retreats his hand.  
  
"Yes" he assures him and Frank goes back to his seat "That's a really great song, um very sad though."  
  
"Yeah well…" is all he has to say for it. Gerard clears his throat uncomfortably  
  
"Well I think I should get back now, lunch time's nearly over anyway. So are we still good for tomorrow?" he asks getting up.  
  
"Yeah, we'll all go out after work. I'll walk you out." Frank says. Though, his voice is lacking the enthusiasm and spirit. His eyes have a dark shadow casted on them, making them lose their warmth and energy. Gerard wonders whether it was the song or something else.  
  
The 'walking out' part is kind of silly Gerard thinks because it's literally no more than 10 steps to the elevator but it's still nice of him to do it. Both of them just sort of stand there not knowing what to do while they wait for the elevator to go down. They were like two little kids who have done something wrong, not looking each other in the eye, brushing their shoes against the floor, hands clamped into their pockets. When the little ding announces that the doors are opening they both lift their heads up quickly, wave each other goodbye and turn away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I decided to split the big final chapter into 2 parts, so this is not the end, but the next chapter will surely be.
> 
> for anyone that's interested, the song i describe that Gerard listens to is a real one, the lyrics and the style of music don't really fit with Frank and his band but the music itself fits to story perfectly. The song is called Host by Muse.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so so sorry that you guys had to wait so long but here it is. the last chapter. for real now. thank you to the few people that bothered to read the whole thing and even more, genuinly liked it. as always, enjoy and comment :)

The next day is Gerard's last day working for Eric, so he comes to work high spirited and pleased that after this he can go back to being alone all day in his office and work by his own rules. Eric seems just as thrilled today, but he gives Gerard thrice as much work than he usually gets and threatens him if he doesn't get it all done, he can forget about getting paid the money they agreed on. Gerard barely has time to huff and puff about Eric's whole revenge plan because he gets buried in so much paper work he has to delay going to the bathroom until his eyes actually start to burn. Forget all about lunch breaks or even a 5 minute smoke break, even at this rate doubtful he'll get his work done by the time his shift ends.  
  
He calls Bob through the office phone and explains the situation while writing the contracts at the same time and tells him to wait up for him after work. They planned to go and celebrate Gerard's release from hell today, but doubtful he'll be able to lift up a fork after all the typing and hand writing he has to do. His wrist is weak and barely holding after half of the day and the other half flies by so fast that one moment Gerard turns around and sees a whole group of twenty people working and the other he's all alone left in the studio. He catches a glimpse of the keys to some rooms on the table nearby that Eric probably left him and continues typing away.  
  
He can feel his phone vibrating but he's too set on to finish the last of work he has. Whatever it is it can wait a bit longer. After 3 more calls the phone quits vibrating and Gerard is glad because it was quite distracting. Though, a few minutes later he hears someone get out of the elevator  
  
"Gerard? Are you here?" Frank's voice echoes through the empty studio. Gerard is finishing typing the last of the information needed  
  
"Yeah." he shouts back, not lifting his eyes from the screen. He hears Frank's footsteps get louder and the way he walks or rather stomps seems threatening at the least  
  
"Dude, what the fuck, we've been waiting for like forever." he says once he stops in front of his desk. His voice is dripping with annoyance  
  
"I'm sorry I told you I had a lot of work and I'm finishing it right now, besides I'm not that late." he says carelessly and briefly glances at the time. The numbers blink 18.30 and work here ends at 5pm "Okay maybe I'm a bit late, but it's not like I can do anything about it, Eric said I won't get paid if I don't get all of it done." he says looking over the file checking for any mistakes.  
  
"Yeah you could've answered your phone you know? I could have gotten home and changed in that time but instead we've been freezing our asses waiting for you." Frank says annoyed. Gerard finally turns off the computer and puts the papers away and stands up for only the 3rd time today feeling his leg muscles protest at the movement.  
  
"Oh, you want to switch places? 'Cause I would be more than fucking glad." Gerard answers getting a bit angry as well. He's been working non-stop all day and he's so, so tired that he wishes nothing more than to just go to sleep and now he has to deal with Frank. How doesn't he understand Gerard's situation?  
  
"Do you actually think it's easy for me to be away and have no clue where you are, whether or not you're okay, worrying sick?" Gerard realizes Frank isn't talking about him being late anymore. He inhales sharply trying to calm his mind a bit, rubs his tired, baggy eyes and readies himself for the conversation that's about to happen. The conversation they should've had years ago.  
  
"You don't think I realize the shit I made you go through?" Gerard starts off turning to face him, but Frank doesn't let him continue and just carries on talking like Gerard never even opened his mouth  
  
"The last thing I heard was that you were drugged and raped. No news whatsoever afterwards whether you're alright or even alive."  
  
"Yeah because we live in the Middle Ages and there's no possibility of communicating." Gerard explodes suddenly.  
  
"I acted like a fucking asshole I couldn't dare to show my face around you anymore-" Frank said putting his face into his hands "because it was all, my fucking fault!"  
  
After Frank shouts the last sentence Gerard takes a step back staring at Frank with big, wide and very awake eyes. Eyes filled with disbelief and sadness while Frank averts his from Gerard's in shame. How can Frank blame himself for what Gerard did? How can he feel guilty?  
  
"How can you say that?" Gerard asks after a minute of silence  
  
"How can I blame you for what I did?" Franks head jerks up and now the look on his face mirrors Gerard's. " You were right you know. I was inconsiderate. I forgot our god damn anniversary and acted like a little shit about it. I said mean things to you and didn't make a single move to stop you from leaving. I was fucking drunk to begin with. I didn't support you well enough, I didn't do enough. Fuck and when Mikey told me how it happened I couldn't sleep for weeks wondering if you're alright. I got mad and made judgment too early, too caught up in my own fucking pride to let go and find out what happened." Frank's eyes are glistening at the end of his speech, his face twisted in agony. Gerard stares at him, not moving for a bit. 'So on top of everything that I've done, I've hurt Frank as well' Gerard thinks and his chest aches once again and he begins to explain  
  
"How the fuck can you believe it's your fault? It's not you who lost control. I got paranoid and obsessive and drowned myself head first into alcohol without thinking about it twice. It's not you who didn't support me, I was just too weak. I made your life hell all because I wanted you only to myself. It was a selfish desire frankly I'm surprised you didn't dump me sooner." He takes a deep breath "I cheated on you for god's sake. It wasn't rape, it couldn't have been because I didn't resist, I didn't make one move to stop it from happening. it was my fault, I'm responsible for fucking everything up don't you see?" he finishes looking away from him and closing his eyes for a moment. His whole body is shaking with the intensity of his pent up emotions. This is it he thinks, now that he explained everything Frank is surely going to loathe him now, there's no turning back.  
  
Though, suddenly he's surrounded by warmth, his chest, his neck and his lips. All surrounded by another person's body. Frank's desperately crushing his face against Gerard's trying to be as close to him as possible and holding him so close. Gerard instantly throws his arms around him as well. His mind didn't really have time to process or protest over what's happening and he doesn't care. He feels whole again even if it's just for a short time and he isn't going to let it slip away.  
  
They break away from their frenzied kiss gasping for air and Frank drops his head to the crook of Gerard's neck and nuzzles it playfully with his nose while panting. They hold on each other, not talking or kissing anymore just holding each other in their arms like that. After five, ten minutes or maybe half an hour Frank lifts his head a bit towards his ear  
  
"It wasn't selfish and you did have me all to yourself then. And you can still have me now if you want." he adds the last part in a whisper.  
  
"But aren't you seeing someone?" Gerard asks suddenly, his eyebrows hunching together. He hears and feels Frank chuckle, his breath making his neck tickle  
  
"I lied. I'm sorry. I thought it would make you jealous or show you that I'm over you or something. I couldn't bear the thought of dating anyone since you." he says embarrassed. Gerard smiles at the thought of Frank trying to make him jealous, it worked well though.  
  
"But how could you ever forgive me for what I did?" Gerard suddenly asks, his eyes filling with tears as he clutches onto Frank even tighter. His mind finally caught up with him and the guilt is eating at him again.  
  
"Gerard it's not-" Frank starts off but Gerard can't hear him  
  
"I'm a terrible person Frank, I don't deserve you" Gerard starts to shake again. Frank holds onto him firmer and tries to blink back the tears that have swelled up. He has to make Gerard alright again. He has to fix him and not just because he feels guilty for what happened.  
  
In the beginning he ran from the commitment and attachment of their relationship, believing that he can hold on his own. That he can still somehow stay independent, be his own boss while in a relationship. Then proceeding to make less and shorter calls from his tour perhaps as a test or a way to prove to himself that he isn't that dependable from Gerard. The thought of being completely dependent from someone repelled him. He considered those people to be weak, because they can't stand for themselves, they have the need to have someone always close by, a best friend, a partner otherwise they don't feel whole and that was ridiculous to him. Because you can't always rely on other people to make you happy and whole, you have to make that happen yourself. That was his philosophy in life until Gerard came in and destroyed it.  
  
During their anniversary he realized Gerard was one of those people he thought were weak, and he knew all too well that Gerard was nothing but weak, sensitive yes, but not weak. When he walked out through that door into the night Frank's whole philosophy turned back and slapped him across the face since it was because of it that the thing he cared about most felt heartbroken and ignored. And as time went by, he slowly but surely started to become one of the people that he used to despise. Gerard invaded his mind and his soul like some sort of disease, which could be cured only by his presence. Suddenly he didn't feel much joy in creating or playing music, his laugh was less energetic and alive, and more empty. The memories and his guilt kept haunting him until he came back here.  
  
He didn't want Gerard happy or back with him because he felt the need to fix all the wrong that he has done, but because he needs him like his lungs need air. His heart sinks a little lower when he can't seem to stop Gerard from shaking. He pulls back a little and starts to plant small kisses all over his face, each time saying 'it's not your fault' 'I don't blame you' 'I'll make it better' 'it's not your fault' 'I love you'…  
  
After a minute or so he sees that he finally got Gerard's attention and he looks at Frank with a sort of disbelief and surprise at hearing those words. Frank takes the opportunity to connect their lips again in a sweet loving kiss that makes Gerard give in to it as well. Gerard's hand snakes in and comfortably settles in Frank's hair like it used to. The younger smiles against his lips and can't tell if the wetness on his cheeks are Gerard's or his own tears that rolled down as they melted into each other. Gerard didn't have to say I love you back or that he forgives Frank out loud. Everything that was need to be said was expressed in every stroke of his face and every sweet kiss that marked a new beginning.


End file.
